


Twenty seconds or twenty years

by reallyokaygirl



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reallyokaygirl/pseuds/reallyokaygirl
Summary: Joohyun met the love of her life when she was 10 years old. It took her 19 years to do anything about it.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 192





	Twenty seconds or twenty years

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: Lover by Taylor Swift
> 
> Thanks again to @SeptemberLillies for betaing!
> 
> Any questions? Ask away on Twitter @reallyokaygirl. 

## 24 days. 

Numbers. A life of success could be reduced to numbers.

Number of active years as an actress and model: eight. Number of television dramas starred in: three. Number of successful movies: six. Number of instagram followers: five million. Number of sponsorship and CF contracts: twelve. 

Number of fake boyfriends that she’d had over the span of her career so far: two. 

Joohyun was reminded every day of the numbers behind her success. It was hard to not be when she had to leave her apartment with a mask on, when she is approached by numerous fans, when she `was hounded by dozens of tweets with pictures of her walking down the street near her home. 

These were things she could ignore, for the most part. 

At the end of the day, the only numbers that she cared about were the ones that made her who she was. 

Twenty-nine years alive.

Two loving parents, one caring sister.

Three close friends.

One best friend. Nineteen years of friendship. Over six years of being roommates together. 

Twenty-four days until it was all going to change. 

One broken heart. 

At the moment, Joohyun’s life was reduced to a number that was counting down to what was going to be the hardest, most painful day of her life.

“Hey, is this your sweater or is it mine?” Joohyun’s best friend, Seulgi, asked. She was holding up a Ralph Lauren jumper, the one with a bear on it, which had _definitely_ been Seulgi’s before Joohyun stole it from her. She’d only returned it to its original owner’s possession when it stopped smelling like her best friend.

Blackberries from her perfume. Cedarwood from her dance studio. Charcoal from her artwork. And something else that Joohyun could only define as distinctly... _Seulgi_. 

Joohyun snatched it from Seulgi’s hands. “It’s _technically_ yours, I suppose. But I think it looks better on me,” she joked. 

Seulgi shrugged. “Keep it. You’re right; it looks better on you. But if we were going to follow that rule, then all my clothes should just stay here with you - you look good in everything, _unnie.”_

Joohyun wished that could happen. She couldn’t help but frown, looking at the boxes and luggage that were open in Seulgi’s bedroom floor. Parts of the last six years together were slowly being placed into those boxes, to be packed away and shipped off to Seulgi’s new home. 

And then a few days after that would be the worst day of Joohyun’s life.

Numbers. Damn numbers. 

“Are you okay, _unnie_?” Seulgi asked. Joohyun hadn’t realized Seulgi walking over to her, having abandoned her stack of DVDs that she was packing away. “You look a little zoned out…”

Joohyun plastered a teasing smile on her face - hoping it was convincing enough to trick Seulgi into believing she was fine.

“I was just trying to figure out why you owned so many DVDs. It’s a dying technology, Seulgi-ya.”

Fortunately her forced smile seemed to be believable enough, as Seulgi scoffed and walked back to her prized DVD collection, continuing to pack them away. 

“Leave me alone, _unnie_. You’ll be sad when you can’t borrow my copy of _Aladdin_ for the hundredth time.” 

“Or I’ll just watch it on _DisneyPlus_ like everyone else…” 

“Don’t listen to her, guys, she’s just a meanie,” Seulgi said to her collection of DVDs, like they were sentient beings. 

Joohyun continued to help Seulgi pack away her life. Her heart ached with every box she filled, another painful reminder that soon, everything she’d had with Seulgi for the past nineteen years was going to change… 

After an hour of packing and filling up about a third of the boxes, Seulgi announced that she was bored. 

“Can we take a break now?” she whined. She didn’t even wait for Joohyun’s answer before she flopped down on her bed. 

Naturally, like her body was magnetically drawn to Seulgi’s, Joohyun climbed onto the bed next to her, throwing an arm around her best friend’s waist. Seulgi returned the embrace by wrapping both arms around her.

Joohyun unconsciously let out a sigh of complete contentment. She nuzzled against Seulgi’s chest, resting her head where her shoulder met her neck. 

“Do I really have to move?” Seulgi asked. It was obviously not a serious question; if it were, Joohyun would’ve stopped her. 

But instead, Joohyun squeezed her eyes shut and sighed. “Yes. Because this is technically my apartment and I refuse to live with a couple.”

Seulgi laughed quietly. “Do you think you’ll get a new roommate?”

“No…”

“You probably won’t be able to find someone who’s willing to be your human pillow, like me.” 

“Probably not. You’re too soft and cuddly, like a teddy bear.”

“The other day you said I was too skinny and that I needed to eat another bowl of the kimchi-jjigae you made.”

“Both things can be true.”

“Okay…” Seulgi said. But she couldn’t keep the concern from her voice - and Joohyun hated that it was there. “But really, what are you going to do when I move out?”

“Throw a big party in celebration,” she answered, hoping that the joke would distract Seulgi from really thinking about it. 

“Ya!” Seulgi laughed. “Can I come? I like parties…”

Joohyun couldn’t help but grin at Seulgi’s shy request. 

“Sure. But I’m sure you’ll have much better things to do at that point…” 

She felt Seulgi nod against her head. “I can’t believe I’m going to be married in a month,” Seulgi said, almost in awe.

Joohyun agreed.

She couldn't believe it either. 

Soon, things between the best friends were going to change. Because when two people got married, two single people died. And friendships couldn’t stay the same.

Best friends couldn’t stay best friends when one of them was in love with the other, and when the other was in love with someone else. 

Joohyun shut her eyes, her heart giving its predictable but unavoidable clench whenever Seulgi mentioned her wedding. Coming up, soon - _too soon_.

In just twenty-four days, the love of her life was going to move away and marry someone else, someone who wasn’t her. Joohyun had to face the fact that she lost her chance. She was a coward who deserved to be lonely. 

“Things are going to be pretty different,” Joohyun said, instead of saying what the screaming in her heart wanted her to say. 

Like _I’m sorry I didn’t tell you_. 

And _don’t marry her_. 

And _I love you_.

Seulgi tightened her arms around her, but instead of comforting her, it felt like a vice on her heart. 

“It won’t be _that_ different. I’ll still be me. I’ll just be married.”

“I’m sure your future wife wouldn’t be crazy about this…”

And Joohyun knew she wasn’t. Jisoo, Seulgi’s fiancee (and soon-to-be wife) had never been too fond of Seulgi’s closeness with Joohyun. She’d never said anything - not to her face, at least - but she could tell. While Jisoo was always perfectly nice and warm to her, Joohyun had caught the latter’s frown at Seulgi’s hand holding her own. She’d noticed Jisoo’s furrowed brows when Seulgi would hold her close and whisper in her ear, and they’d share secrets that even future wives didn’t know. 

But they were just best friends. 

Joohyun could get away with all of this, because it was something she’d done (and taken for granted) since she was ten years old. 

“Jisoo knows we’re close. You’re my best friend. Everyone knows ‘Seulgi and Joohyun’ are a package deal. Whoever you end up with will have to deal with me too.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Like I’ll ever find anyone who’s willing to put up with me.” 

“Please, you’re the most lovable person I know. You just haven’t found the right person.”

“Right.” 

“And they’ll have to be _the best_ person in the world. Like a doctor who finds the cure for cancer or a scientist who ends global warming or an astronaut who discovers friendly alien life forms.”

“Those are really high standards.”

“You’re the best, _unnie_. You deserve the best.” 

“I don’t think that’s true. I’m just me. I’m just an actress.”

“An amazing actress. And an even better best friend. Whoever ends up with you has to be amazing because _you_ are amazing. I mean, I should know. I’m your best friend.”

Little did Seulgi know, Joohyun resigned herself to never falling in love again. If she couldn’t be with Seulgi, what was the point?

A buzz from Seulgi’s watch ended the conversation. Joohyun caught a glimpse and saw it was a message from ‘ _Jisoo <3_’.

“Jisoo wants to know if I’m done packing,” Seulgi said, with a laugh. Joohyun lifted her head from Seulgi’s chest and regretted it immediately. 

Her best friend was smiling dreamily at her wrist, writing a response to her love with a look that Joohyun wished could be directed at _her_. It was dreamy and wistful and so full of affection. She sat up against the headboard, away from Seulgi and her warmth and her ability to make her feel like the only woman in the world and a second place loser all at the same time.

But Joohyun only had herself to blame for feeling this way. 

“Packing is the worst thing I’ve ever done,” Seulgi said, hitting send on whatever cute message she composed for Jisoo. If she noticed Joohyun moving away, she didn’t say anything. Instead she stretched out her arms, draping them on her best friend’s legs. “And that includes that time in high school when we played spin the bottle and I had to kiss-”

“-kiss Baekhyun, I know, I was there,” Joohyun said, remembering one of the many parties Seulgi dragged her to when they were teenagers. 

“Right. I’m just glad that you saved me from having to make _him_ my first kiss,” Seulgi said, sitting up on her arms and grinning at Joohyun.

“You remember that?” Joohyun asked, shocked. They hadn’t spoken about it, not since it happened. She thought that Seulgi even forgot, after all these years… 

It’s not like it meant anything to Seulgi; it couldn’t have. At least, not in the same way it meant to Joohyun. 

“Of course I do. You never forget your first kiss, _unnie_ …” 

-

## 18 years old.

At eighteen years old, Joohyun was already looking towards her future.

She had recently discovered an aptitude for performing - starting with roles in school plays, then starring in local theatre productions in Ansan. After a successful audition with SM Entertainment, she was promised that with some hard work and perseverance, she’d debut as an actress after graduating from high school. Because of this, she never had much time to spend at home - always shuttling from Ansan to SM in Seoul every weekend for training. But when she was home, she spent most of her time with her best friend.

She couldn’t tell anyone what she was doing - it was a strict secret that she was sworn to keep by the agency. So all she could do was tell Seulgi that she was getting additional college support while preparing for her future. She _hated_ lying to her best friend - they never kept secrets from one another - but it was what had to be done. 

It would all be worth it when, one day, would Joohyun debut as a famous actress and could buy Seulgi all the video games and fancy sneakers she wanted. 

Joohyun had just gotten back to Ansan from her day of training. After a tiring day of skit practices, dance rehearsals, and sessions with an acting coach, she was ready to see her best friend. She had just dropped off her backpack at home - and given both of her parents a passing hug, hello, and goodbye - before heading off in search of said friend.

And it took her no time at all to find her. Sure enough, her best friend was where they’d always hung out - at the elementary school playground near their apartment building. But instead of acting silly on a slide or trying to reach the skies on the swingset (both things which were a _little_ childish for Seulgi, but she didn’t care), she was was lying dramatically on a bench on the edge of the park.

Despite their three-year age gap - which, at times, felt like a million years especially in moments like these - they had maintained their closeness since they day they first met eight years ago, right at this very playground. 

“Are you okay, Seulgi-ya?” Joohyun said as she approached. Seulgi had her arm slung across her forehead, as if her whole being was crying out, ‘ _woe is me_.’ Seulgi grumbled in response and sighed, loudly. 

Joohyun wondered if _she_ was as dramatic as Seulgi was when she was fifteen.

She very much doubted it. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Seulgi said, with another pronounced sigh. 

Joohyun knew if she tried to force Seulgi to talk it would only make her friend retreat more into her slump. So she just sat on the bench with her, lifting her friend’s head so it was perched on her lap. She played with Seulgi’s hair, petting it away from her face. 

“You know you could tell me anything,” Joohyun said, after a moment. Her friend hummed quietly, content to have her hair played with. And Joohyun was perfectly happy too - Seulgi had the softest hair… 

“Just- it’s nothing. It’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s not stupid, especially if it’s bothering you.”

Seulgi sighed again and then sat up. She turned towards Joohyun, lifting a leg onto the bench where they sat. She chewed her lip a little, in thought, then frowned.

Joohyun placed her hand on Seulgi’s knee, to comfort her friend. “Seriously, Seulgi. What’s made you upset? Do I need to yell at your brother again?”

“In general yes, but that’s not what’s bothering me right now…” 

“What is it?” Joohyun asked.

Her friend looked around, as if to check if they were alone. Joohyun followed her eyes and found that they were, in fact, the only ones in the playground. It was nearly 7 pm on a Friday night in late September; of course they’d be alone. The air was getting crisper, the leaves turning. Having visited this playground _hundreds_ of times for the last several years, Joohyun and Seulgi knew that they’d be alone by themselves at this time of day.

When Seulgi seemed satisfied that they were, in fact, alone, she dropped her leg and shifted nearer. Joohyun, sensing that whatever she was being told was a secret, leaned closer. 

“What’s it like...to kiss someone?”

“What?” Joohyun responded, eyes widened in shock.

In their eight years of friendship, Seulgi had never once expressed any interest in anyone romantically. She’d known Seulgi since she was ten and the younger girl was seven; she’d been there through it all. Just not _this_.

She supposed fifteen _was_ the time that people became curious about these sorts of things. But she never thought Seulgi - who was only ever passionate about singing and dancing - would succumb to the usual teenager hormones. Joohyun didn’t, after all. And they were two peas in a pod. 

“It’s just- Soojung was teasing me about never kissing anyone, just because she’s been dating Jongin and they’ve kissed a lot or whatever. And Sunyoung said she had her first kiss last summer with some guy she went to camp with. According to them, I’m the only person in our year who hasn’t kissed anyone _ever_.”

Joohyun laughed as Seulgi dramatically sighed and flopped back onto the bench. Her best friend, usually so calm and collected, looked incredibly distressed by the whole situation. She slumped downward on the bench and rested her nape on the back of it. 

The older friend mimicked her best friend’s position, but turned her head to face her.

“Kissing is really not a big deal,” Joohyun said. “First kisses. _Any_ kisses. And I doubt that any of the boys that your friends have kissed are even worth bragging about.”

Joohyun couldn’t help but giggle at Seulgi’s furrowed brow and pout. Her friend looked away and stared up at the sky, which was partially obscured by the trees and high-rise buildings surrounding them. 

“You’re probably right. Every guy in our year smells bad…” she said. “But they just made me feel like such a baby…” 

If there was one thing Seulgi didn’t care for, it was being treated like she was younger than she was. Her older brother did it all the time; her parents always fretted over her too. Even Joohyun sometimes had the habit of babying her, but she knew that behind her happy smile and kind disposition, Seulgi was a thoughtful, intelligent soul.

“Just because you’re fifteen doesn’t mean that you need to kiss _anyone_ ,” Joohyun said. She laid back, matching Seulgi’s position. “I’m eighteen and I haven’t kissed anyone.”

Seulgi snapped her face towards Joohyun. Her eyes were wide and mouth hung open. It would’ve been funny if Joohyun wasn’t embarrassed. 

“Wait, really?!”

“Yeah.” Joohyun nodded, shyly. 

“But you’re… _you_!” Seulgi said, sitting up, suddenly aghast. 

“Why is that so hard to believe?”

“ _Unnie_...you’re really pretty,” Seulgi said, as if she was stating the obvious. 

Joohyun bristled. “So? It doesn’t mean I want to kiss anyone.”

“Didn’t you date Junmyeon?”

“ _One_ date. And it doesn’t mean that I kissed him,” Joohyun said. She couldn’t help it; she scrunched up her nose at the thought. 

Gross.

Something just never settled right with Joohyun about kissing anyone. Well, not just _anyone_.

 _Boys_. 

But that was another issue, for another time. 

Right now she was just focused on her distraught and dramatic friend and her adolescent issues. As a teenager who was _just_ two years away from adulthood, Joohyun had so much more life experience than her best friend. 

“That makes me feel _a little_ better,” Seulgi said, resting back down. “But _unnie_ , aren’t you at all curious?” 

“About what?” 

“Kissing. What the big deal is, why everyone is obsessed with it.”

“Of course I am. I just haven’t met anyone who I want to kiss,” Joohyun said, a lie that fell easily from her lips. There was one person she’d often thought of kissing, but she’d always pushed that thought away. (And coincidently, that person was sitting right beside her in this moment…) “And honestly, my friends used to tease me about it, too. I kind of started to resent the whole idea of a ‘first kiss’. It’s been hyped up, but I’m sure it’ll be nothing special. Or worse - disappointing.” 

Joohyun turned away from Seulgi, looking up at the sky, like her friend had been doing just moments before. Next to her, Seulgi was silent. For a moment Joohyun thought that maybe she had fallen asleep; she often did at the strangest of moments. She turned her head to check if she was, when Seulgi spoke up. 

“What if I kissed you?” Seulgi asked, suddenly excited. 

“What?!” Joohyun asked, already sitting up and shifting away. There wasn’t much space between them on the park bench but still. In that moment Joohyun would’ve put a few miles between the two if she could. 

“Well, I like you - you’re my best friend - and you like me too, right?”

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “Of course I do. You’re my best friend.”

“And if we kiss each other, then at least our first kisses will be with someone we _like_ , not just some awkward situation or _worse_.”

“Uh…”

“And then people will stop being a jerk to us about never kissing anyone.”

Joohyun searched Seulgi’s eyes - she was so earnest and innocent in her request, that the 18-year-old felt almost convinced that it was a good idea. But a little voice in her head, one that had been pestering her at night over her secret thoughts, spoke up. 

_Don’t. You’re not gay! You can’t possibly be gay!_

A concurrent voice also spoke.

_Do it! Oh my god, kiss her. Do it!_

Joohyun frowned. 

“But we’re both girls…” she argued, feebly. Because if really thought about it, she would’ve understood that it was exactly _that_ reason why she wanted to kiss Seulgi. 

“So? I’d rather kiss you than some gross boy in my class.” 

She was talking like this was all just _no big deal_. And maybe somewhere else, this really wouldn’t be. In another lifetime or in another country. But what Seulgi was asking from her felt like a _huge_ deal. Like it was the biggest deal that Joohyun ever dealt with.

In all of her eighteen years of wisdom, which she had over Seulgi’s mere fifteen, right now Joohyun felt like Seulgi was the wise one. Joohyun was being dragged into something that she had spent a lot of her energy avoiding thinking about.

“What do you say?” Seulgi asked, eagerly. 

Joohyun sighed. Part of her - again, the little voice in her head - told her to run away. But another part of her, the louder part of her, the part that she would push away when she’d see a pretty girl Idol or when Seulgi would smile at her in _exactly_ the beautiful way she was smiling at her now - kept her rooted on bench next to her. 

She could never say no to Seulgi.

And maybe this was exactly what she needed to rid herself of those crazy thoughts she’d been having about girls. 

“Okay.”

Seulgi’s eyes widened. 

“Really?!”

“Yes. You’re right. It’s…” she sucked in a breath, “just a kiss. And I’d rather kiss you than… any boy.”

That was the first time Joohyun had ever admitted that out loud - but Seulgi didn’t seem to notice, because she excitedly sat up and clapped her hands. 

“Okay. We’re doing this?” Seulgi asked.

“It was _your_ idea.”

“Right. Okay.” Seulgi awkwardly moved closer to Joohyun, essentially trapping her against the bench’s armrest. She placed her hands on Joohyun’s shoulders. Joohyun didn’t know what to do with herself, so she put her hands on Seulgi’s hips. “Is this alright?”

“Yeah.” Joohyun answered. She searched Seulgi’s eyes, to make sure her friend was comfortable. “So we just… lean forward…”

Seulgi nodded. “I think that’s how it works.”

For a person who was confident just moments ago, Seulgi suddenly looked nervous. She bit her bottom lip and Joohyun’s heart started to pound even faster.

She watched as Seulgi gulped and took a deep breath, her tell-tale signs of nervousness. Joohyun could read Seulgi like a book. She knew everything about her; they were best friends, after all.

And even though this wasn’t her idea at all, she’d imagined this moment a million times before. So she took the lead. 

“Close your eyes,” Joohyun said, gently. Seulgi’s eyes fluttered shut and Joohyun couldn’t help but smile. She was so close to her, she could’ve counted her eyelashes. She’d never been this close to anyone before; not like this. Joohyun didn’t know why, but she wanted to stare at her like this for just a moment - to keep this memory perfect in her brain forever.

Joohyun took a breath, steeled her nerves, and counted to three before leaning forward and pressing her lips to Seulgi’s.

It was sweet. Her lips were soft. A little chapped, but still pillowy. But the way they made her _feel_? It could only be described as...free. Happy. Whole.

Joohyun kept her lips against hers for a second - an all too brief moment - before pulling away.

And Seulgi’s eyes opened. 

Her grin could only be described as dopey - but Joohyun was sure her own smile mirrored it. Both of them were blushing because of what they had done, but they still had their arms around each other. 

“Cool,” Seulgi said, finally breaking the silence. Then they giggled. 

_Well._

That definitely confirmed it for her. 

Joohyun was gay. 

-

## 21 days. 

They’d done this a couple of times in the last few years. Jisoo and Seulgi would invite their best friends out, and the said two best friends would sit uncomfortably as they watched the couple act lovey-dovey and cute. For Jisoo and Seulgi, it was a great opportunity to spend time with their favourite people. For Rosé and Joohyun, it was torture.

Jisoo and Rosé regaled them with stories of their latest comeback, their chemistry all too obvious to Joohyun. But Seulgi was none the wiser - she’d stare lovingly at Jisoo, completely blind to Rosé, who was giving Jisoo that exact look. Jisoo, also seemingly oblivious to the longing behind Rosé’s gaze, would grin happily at both women.

Joohyun understood why so many people were so taken by her. Jisoo was smart. Hardworking. Beautiful. She had an energy that drew people in. 

What she couldn’t understand was why Jisoo _and_ Seulgi didn’t notice how deeply Rosé seemed to care for - even love - Jisoo. She thought it was obvious - from the moment she first met Jisoo and Rosé, she saw much of her friendship with Seulgi mirrored in theirs. 

But she could understand how it would happen. After all, they had no idea about Joohyun’s feelings for Seulgi.

“When will I get these two to finally date?” Jisoo asked, teasingly gesturing at the two women sitting across from her, as they worked through the various dishes in front of them. 

“Oh…” Joohyun and Rosé answered, both clearly uncomfortable. 

This always happened. Whenever the four of them got together, someone (usually just Jisoo) would try to match up Joohyun and Rosé. It never worked and it _always_ made them uncomfortable. 

Seulgi defended them with a smile. 

“Jisoo, you know they don’t like it when we talk about that…”

“What? They’re both single, they’re both beautiful. Why wouldn’t they be interested in one another?” Jisoo asked. 

Fortunately both Joohyun and Rosé were saved from having to answer when the waiter came by with another plate of food.

The two women knew of each other’s feelings for their best friends. It was one of the reasons why, as much as Jisoo pushed, they’d never connected romantically.

The conversation eventually shifted to Seulgi and Jisoo’s wedding. It was awkward to listen to, so Joohyun was more than happy to sit back and let the two lead the conversation. Rosé also became quiet as the discussion moved to the venue and flowers and other happy little things that couples got excited about when planning their wedding. 

Later that evening, as Rosé and Joohyun waited for their cabs outside, they did what they usually did when they were alone: they discussed their unrequited loves. 

“That was awkward,” Rosé said, stating the obvious. 

“When isn’t it?”

“True,” Rosé agreed. “I really didn’t think they’d get this far though, honestly.”

Joohyun looked at her, surprised. “No?”

Rosé nodded. “Call me hopeless but I’ve always been preparing for Jisoo and I to not work out. But I always had a feeling that there was _something_ there between Seulgi and you.” 

Joohyun chuckled, humourlessly. “There isn’t, though.”

Rosé shook her head. 

“I know you’ve noticed how I stare at Jisoo. But I’ve noticed how you stare at Seulgi. And _I_ notice how she stares at you. I don’t even think Seulgi knows...”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Of course you don’t. You’ve spent the last twenty years completely ignoring it. But I swear; there’s something going on in her head,” Rosé said. Then she smiled and with a playful nudge, said, “But whatever it is, I hope she figures it out soon. If she comes to a realization about her feelings for you and breaks Jisoo’s heart, I’ll have to defend my friend’s honour and punch Seulgi in the face.” 

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “And likewise to _Jisoo_. If she does anything to break Seulgi’s heart, I will have to destroy her.”

They stood in silence for a beat, watching the cars drive past.

“How have you been with all of it?” Joohyun asked, quietly. The underlying question was: _Are you also dying inside?_

“Terrible,” Rosé admitted. “But I’m trying to be supportive.”

“Same.”

“Maybe this is all we’ll need and then we can finally move on. You can fall in love with me instead.”

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “You’re a little young for me…”

“Oh, right, I forgot that you’re elderly.”

“ _Ugh_ , you and Seulgi need to stop spending time together. You guys keep making the same stupid, unoriginal jokes.”

“It’s a generational gap, your humour is just from a different time. Tell me, were all of your childhood stories written on slabs of stone?”

Despite laughing, Joohyun playfully pushed Rosé. The younger girl retaliated by throwing her arms around Joohyun in a joking wrestle. The two were so engrossed in their play-fight that they didn’t even notice Jisoo until she cleared her throat.

The girls let go of one another quickly - which Joohyun knew looked suspicious, because really, nothing was going on. What happened seemed to make Jisoo unhappy, though. She had a strange - almost accusatory - look on her face, aimed at Rosé. 

“Everything okay?” Jisoo’s voice was strained.

“Yep,” Rosé said with a quick grin at Joohyun, like they were sharing a secret joke.

Jisoo pouted, obviously not liking that she was being kept in the dark. 

“Well, Seulgi-ya is inside still, but she’ll be out soon. Rosé, we have to go back to the dorm; let’s just go?” Jisoo said, linking arms with her friend and pulling her away from Joohyun. She wondered if she even knew what she was doing. 

This was one of Joohyun’s least favourite things about Jisoo - her possessiveness. Over Seulgi _and_ Rosé. She was always the first to suggest that they date, but Joohyun knew that deep down, Jisoo would _hate_ it. She wondered if she even understood _why_ she was jealous. She had Seulgi, after all. She had no reason to be jealous of her friendship with Rosé. She had no reason to even look at anyone else when she had Seulgi.

But whatever. Her strange relationship with Rosé, which was as dysfunctional as Joohyun’s was with Seulgi, was none of her business. 

Rosé gave her an apologetic wave goodbye as their driver approached. Jisoo barely looked in her direction, seeming to hold back a glare.

-

## 22 years old. 

There was a time when Joohyun thought that she was in love. She was 22 years old and had been cast in her biggest role yet. It was a supporting role in a drama starring a few notable actors. Her role was not an anchor to the show, but with her playing the teenage daughter of one of the main characters, she was on set a lot. 

That’s when she met the makeup artist, Yoojin. 

Living alone in Seoul had been hard for Joohyun. It was lonely. She missed her friends - _Seulgi_ , really - but couldn’t go home and visit as much as she wanted. And Seulgi hadn't been able to visit as often either - she had her own life, full of school, dance classes, examination preparations for university, and her own friends. And Joohyun, who always found it hard to make friends on her own, was surrounded by other actors and actresses, many of whom looked down on Joohyun, a rookie.

When Yoojin expressed an interest in her, Joohyun jumped at the opportunity for a new friend.

After a few late nights, awkward flirtations, and sneaky stares, they shared their first kiss together. From that moment on, they were nearly inseparable.

Everything before Yoojin felt like a crush. The difference between longing for someone and not being able to do anything about it, to being with someone who wanted her and could show it - it was a huge deal for Joohyun. 

For one, solitary time in her life, Joohyun was able to push away her feelings for Seulgi. 

That was, until she introduced the two.

It had been the longest amount of time that she’d gone from seeing Seulgi, from even hearing her voice. With FaceTime calls having been canceled, and phone calls ending up missed, texts were the only thing that managed to (barely) keep their friendship together.

The moment she saw Seulgi - sitting on the bench at the playground of their elementary school located near her family’s apartment building, chewing nervously on her lip while twiddling her thumbs - her heart started beating. Pounding, really - so hard, and so fast.

Like her heart was reminding her that it was Seulgi’s and Seulgi’s alone.

However, the smile that graced her best friend’s face when she saw her approaching dropped into a frown away immediately when she saw her hands clasped together with Yoojin’s.

Joohyun then realized that she _never_ wanted to be the cause of that look on Seulgi ever again.

A few weeks later - after ignoring and cancelling on Yoojin and being consumed by her unfading feelings for Seulgi - it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when her girlfriend did it. Still, she was so absorbed with thoughts of Seulgi, she barely heard the words as she said it. 

“I have to break up with you.”

Only then did Joohyun notice that Yoojin had a box of her own possessions in her hands.

“What? Really?”

“Seriously? This is a surprise to you?” she asked.

“I thought… I thought we’d been doing well.” 

But in reality, they hadn’t been. Joohyun knew that. 

“I’ve always thought that there was a wall between us. I thought it was because you weren’t out, that you couldn’t be out. I was okay with that - I understood. But I realized it was something else.”

“What?”

“Seulgi.”

“What about her?” 

“You know exactly what I mean, Joohyun. You have feelings for her.” 

Joohyun immediately shook her head. It had become second nature to deny these things even to herself, and it wasn’t much of a surprise how easily the lie fell from her lips. “I don’t have feelings for her; I have feelings for you.”

It sounded stilted and almost robotic to Joohyun’s ears - she had always been a bad liar. 

Yoojin’s expression changed, now looking more frustrated than angry. “ _Seriously_ , Joohyun? You’re going to pretend that you don’t love her, right to my face? I’m about to walk out the door and you’re going to lie to me like this? 

Joohyun’s shoulders dropped. 

“I...I’m over her.” 

It was bullshit. 

“Don’t treat me like I’m stupid, Joohyun,” Yoojin said, frowning. “Look, maybe you don’t realize it for yourself but it’s true. You’re in love with her. And you’ve been keeping this from me the whole time.”

Joohyun couldn’t deny it. Yoojin was right; she could deny her feelings for Seulgi all she wanted, but it still didn’t change the fact that they were there. She realized how unfair she’d been to Yoojin.

“I’m so sorry, Yoojin…” 

“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay but… I understand.”

Yoojin reached out and gave Joohyun’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.

“Just… do something about it, okay? Don’t treat any other girl the way you’ve treated me. Because this feeling is fucking awful. I’m _not_ anyone’s second choice.”

And with the door shut behind Yoojin, Joohyun decided that as long as she still loved Seulgi, she wouldn’t put anyone else through a relationship. She couldn’t split her heart anymore. 

That weekend, Seulgi surprised Joohyun at her apartment door with a pint of ice cream and a big hug. Joohyun had just texted her the night before about her breakup so of course Seulgi would be there. She was always there for her when she was needed.

Seulgi was perfect like that. 

“You’re here?”

“Of course I am,” Seulgi said, like it was a given fact that she’d travel an hour away from home just to comfort Joohyun from something silly like a break up. 

But then again, Seulgi was perfect like that. 

The girls ended up cuddling on Joohyun’s couch and watching her favourite movie ( _The Notebook,_ which Seulgi didn’t even complain about having to watch with her again for the thousandth time). After the movie ended, Seulgi asked her how she was feeling.

Joohyun shrugged and gave a non-committal answer.

In all honesty, she wasn’t upset about the breakup; she was more upset about her continuing, unrequited feelings for Seulgi. Feelings that were still there, after all these years, despite her best efforts to move on. And nothing Seulgi did helped those feelings fade away. 

“The next girl you date just has to pass my approval process,” Seulgi said. “She has to know that my number one job is to be your protector. I’m your best friend, after all. We’ll be friends forever. And your future wife and my future wife will just have to get used to it.” 

Joohyun teared up at that thought.

‘ _Your future wife and my future wife.’_

Clearly, Seulgi didn’t think of her romantically anymore, if she was making plans for a future with some other, nameless woman.

Seulgi pulled her into a hug. “ _Unnie_! It’s okay. I’m sorry Yoojin sucked. She didn’t deserve you.”

Joohyun was glad that Seulgi mistook her failed relationship as the cause of her tears; it was easier to pretend it was for that than the real reason. 

-

## 14 days.

An emergency appendectomy. Eating a live unidentifiable fish straight from a tank at Noryangjin. Acting in a bunny costume for an entire movie.

Those are some of the awful things that Joohyun would rather do in this moment.

She was sitting inside the bridal store with Seulgi’s brother (who looked bored out of his mind), and their friends, Wendy, Sooyoung and Yerim. They were waiting as Seulgi tried on her wedding dress one last time before the ceremony. It was all approaching too fast.

Seulgi requested that her favorite people - and her brother - come for the final fitting. 

It was an awkward moment when Seulgi told all of them that she wouldn’t be having a big bridal party. Joohyun expected that she’d be involved in some way - they were _best friends_ , for god’s sake. Plus, Seulgi always wanted to have some Western traditions incorporated into her wedding, like a bridal party for example. 

It also came as a surprise when Seulgi told her that it will only be her brother who would act as her (to quote Seulgi) “Best Maid/Man of Honour.” Needless to say, Joohyun was rightfully shocked. Even the others - including Seulgi’s brother - did not expect this. 

But according to Seulgi, she and Jisoo have decided to only have family participate in the wedding entourage (which was _definitely_ Jisoo’s decision, Joohyun could tell). While the others were a little miffed (Sooyoung especially revelled in the opportunity to wear a beautiful dress in front of hundreds of people), Joohyun herself was glad. 

It would’ve been torture to stand with Seulgi in that way. At least when the time came she had an excuse to hide away in the back of the wedding hall. Hopefully people would mistake her tears of complete devastation for tears of happiness. 

“You guys will tell me if I look weird, right?” Seulgi asked from the dressing room. Seulgi, along with a seamstress, stood behind the curtain, getting ready. 

“Nope,” her brother answered, reflexively being annoying. Joohyun rolled her eyes and nudged him, before he stood up straighter and apologized with a bow to Joohyun. “I mean, I’m sure you look great…”

Joohyun grinned smugly, glad that after all these years he was still intimidated by her. 

“Now, I’m second guessing this,” Seulgi whined, after the seamstress left the room. The bride-to-be was still hidden behind the curtain. “I got this because Jisoo’s sister said it’d look good with what Jisoo’s wearing, but now I’m not sure…”

Sooyoung, always the most impatient, got up from her seat and walked right up to the dressing room that Seulgi was in.

“I’m coming in!” she announced, before angrily pushing past the curtain and closing it behind her. “ _Omo_ , Seulgi, you look _beautiful_!” came Sooyoung’s voice from the other side of the curtain. 

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely.”

Wendy scoffed. “We want to see too!”

“Yeah, come on!” Yerim joined in. 

The curtain was pulled back partway, Sooyoung stepping out with a huge smile. Then she stood to the side, pulling the curtain the rest of the way.

And there she was.

Seulgi stood before them in a simple ivory dress that draped off her body like it was meant to be worn by her. An elegant train flowed behind her, and the lace that detailed the dress accentuated every beautiful inch of Seulgi’s body. She looked like a vision. Like royalty. Like every hope and dream Joohyun had ever wished upon a star for. 

Jisoo was going to be the luckiest woman in the world.

“Wow, _unnie,”_ Yerim said, breaking the silence, as everyone sat in awe.

“You look gorgeous,” Wendy added.

Even her brother agreed. “You look really pretty, Seulgi.” 

“I _told_ you,” Sooyoung said, gloating as if she were the one standing in the dress.

Still, Seulgi looked at Joohyun, noticing that she hadn’t said anything.

“ _Unnie?”_ she asked, shyly. “How do I look?” 

Joohyun cracked a smile and blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill. She cleared her throat, knowing her voice would come out shaky. 

“You look...beautiful.” 

“Yeah? You don’t think I look weird?” Seulgi asked. 

“I’ve honestly never seen anyone look so beautiful before…”

Before Seulgi could respond, the seamstress came back into the room and started to check on the various alterations that were made. Joohyun took this distraction as an opportunity to walk away, get some air.

It was stifling in there, seeing Seulgi like that and knowing that it was too late. 

Somehow she found herself around the corner from the shop, away from the entrance and hopefully away from the curious eyes of her friends. She leaned up against the wall and couldn’t stop the tears from falling. 

This was getting real. 

It was _too late_. 

Seulgi was going to put on that dress and walk down the aisle and marry the woman she loved and it wasn’t Joohyun. 

Seeing her in the dress made it all too painful; she was going to look so beautiful on that day. Joohyun felt something in her mourn, like that dress was for her funeral. And maybe it was.

Fourteen days. Two weeks.

Just a few restless nights before her dreams for her future would die.

All because she didn't say anything before. All because it was too late for her to do anything now. Because her best friend, the only woman in the world who ever understood her, found someone she could love more than her. 

As tears fell freely, she felt a presence next to her. An arm cautiously slung over her shoulders. 

Joohyun hastily wiped away her tears and looked over to see Yerim’s big, brown eyes looking back at her. Usually so full of mirth, concern was all over her face. 

“ _Unnie_?” she asked, softly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Joohyun said, barely holding herself together. “I’m just overwhelmed. I think I’m tired.”

“ _Unnie…_ you don’t need to…” Yeri sighed and held Joohyun closer to her. The action made Joohyun want to cry again. “You don’t need to pretend with me.”

It was all that Joohyun needed to hear before she choked out a sob and let her tears fall again, this time into Yerim’s shoulder.

“Seulgi- _unnie_ can’t see it, but I can,” Yerim comforted. “You’re in pain; this is hard for you. It’s okay to be hurt.”

“Why couldn’t she love me?” Joohyun cried. 

Even Yerim, sweet Yerim, began to tear up. 

“I know, _unnie._ I wonder that too sometimes.”

“You do?” Joohyun asked, searching Yerim’s eyes to see if it was true. 

Why would she wonder that? 

“You two...just always seemed like star-crossed lovers. Perfect for one another, but the timing was always off,” Yeri said, wistfully. “And it’s not just me who thinks it. Sooyoung and Wendy do, too.”

Joohyun would’ve been embarrassed if she wasn’t so sad knowing that her friends had been affected by this as well. 

“But now I think it’s really over,” Joohyun said. Yeri emphatically shook her head, but Joohyun had none of it. “Yeri, she’s getting married.” 

“She is. But she loves you,” Yerim said, almost in a whine. She was as idealistic as they came; it was almost sweet how she held out hope. 

“It’s not meant to happen for Seulgi and I,” Joohyun admitted.Out loud, finally. 

Yeri shook her head. “It’s not over; they aren’t married yet,” she argued. “You still have a chance! Have you told her?”

“No.”

“Why not? I _know_ she loves you too. I can see it, I _know_ it,” Yeri cried. This time it was Joohyun who pulled Yeri into a hug as her younger friend’s tears started to fall. 

Joohyun was heartbroken for her friend as well as herself. She hadn’t realized how much her unrequited feelings had hurt Yeri, too. She thought she’d been hiding it well. 

“I can’t take that chance. I wouldn’t ever do anything to jeopardize our friendship and her happiness with Jisoo. She’s so happy with her, Yeri,” Joohyun said, soberly. “And it’s too late for me and her; I just need to move on.”

Yeri shook her head.

“No, _unnie_. Don’t give up hope yet. I like Jisoo, don’t misunderstand me. But you and Seulgi are _soulmates_. Please don’t give up.”

“Yeri…”

“Promise me you won’t give up.”

Joohyun sighed. She promised her, but she knew it was for nothing. Nothing would change; Seulgi and Jisoo were going to be married. Seulgi was wearing that beautiful dress for her future wife, and it was not going to be her. 

-

## 20 years old.

One more night until the start of Joohyun’s future. 

She was leaving Ansan permanently for Seoul to start training full time to be an actress. She had her bags packed for her new dorm where she was going to share a room with four other trainees. It was going to be hard, but she was ready.

There was nothing left for her in Ansan. 

Yes, she had her family and her friends, but she felt like there was something out there - something more.

A challenge. An opportunity for something _great_.

A chance to figure out who (and _what)_ she was. 

She had been struggling with who she was for so long. She knew that she was...gay. 

She had known since she shared her first kiss with Seulgi. If she was honest with herself, she had known even earlier than that - it had been a constant thought since she was a child, that she was different. She just hid this side of her by being extra studious, extra kind, and taking care of her physical appearance. She hid her truth by being the perfect daughter, student, friend.

But keeping up that facade was hard. And Seoul was a fresh start for her.

She understood that maybe she would never be able to be who she was, truly, but at least as an actor...she could pretend. She could pretend to be normal. She could pretend to not have these feelings. She could pretend to not be ashamed of herself, of her secret. 

She could pretend to not have a crush on her best friend. 

Another reason why she was ready to leave was because it was hard. Being around Seulgi made it harder and harder for her to keep her secret. She had never hidden anything from Seulgi in their ten years of friendship. She never _wanted_ to. But she had to keep this secret from her.

She was scared. 

She had nothing to offer Seulgi. She barely knew who she was; how could she even think about being with Seulgi if she couldn’t even take care of herself? How could she love _anyone_ if she didn’t love herself? 

And for Joohyun, it was easier to run away than to stay and crumble. 

So she was leaving. And while all of her friends in her cohort were moving on to university, Joohyun had to keep her own plans secret. In fact, the only person who she told - other than her family - was the same girl she was spending her last night in Ansan with. The same girl she was keeping her other secret from. 

Seulgi. 

They were curled up on Seulgi’s tiny twin bed in the dark. Evidence of their friendship was everywhere. A framed photo of the two of them when they were kids at Everland was perched on Seulgi’s desk. One of Joohyun’s many t-shirts that had managed to find its way into Seulgi’s wardrobe was hanging in her closet. Above them were the glowing stars that the girls had spent the summer before sticking up on the ceiling. 

This room was a snapshot of the last ten years of their friendship. Joohyun’s room had looked the same, until she packed most of it up to take with her.

“It’s going to be so weird without you here,” Seulgi said, her frown evident in her voice. 

“I’m just moving to Seoul. It’s an hour away, I’ll be back every weekend.”

“But still. We won’t be able to walk home together after school and I won’t be able to sleep over with you when there’s a thunderstorm, and what if you get too busy? What if you find new friends and you’d rather stay with them on the weekends then come back home to see your parents and your sister...and me?”

“Seulgi-ya, is that what this is about?”

“Just...it’s just that you’re moving away. You won’t have time for me anymore. What if you replace me? What if you find a friend who’s cooler than me, and you become best friends with her?”

“Impossible. You’re my _Ddeulgi_. You’re irreplaceable.”

“Right. Of course.”

For a moment the two laid quietly on the bed, Joohyun’s arm curled around the younger - yet taller - girl’s stomach. She would’ve thought that Seulgi was asleep if not for the fingers that were gently fidgeting on her shoulder, tapping almost nervously. 

Joohyun was nervous too - big changes were happening. She tightened her embrace, hoping that it would comfort both of them. 

At the moment, the only sounds filling the room are coming from the speakers quietly playing Seulgi’s old Britney Spears CD, one that had been nearly worn out. Whenever she listened to this album, she felt nostalgic - as nostalgic as a seventeen-year-old could be. It reminded Joohyun of their summers together as kids, running around their neighbourhood, going on trips together with Seulgi’s brother and Joohyun’s sister following behind them. 

“I need to tell you something before you go,” Seulgi said abruptly, stopping Joohyun from reminiscing.

“What’s that?”

“Well...there’s a few things.”

Seulgi untangled herself from Joohyun’s arms and sat up; the older girl copied her. Seulgi bit her lip, a nervous habit that Joohyun had only seen in Seulgi when she was scolded by her parents. 

“You can tell me anything, Seulgi-ya,” Joohyun offered. 

“Okay. You’re right. I can trust you, I know this.” Seulgi’s shoulders relaxed. “ _Unnie_...I...I like...girls.”

Joohyun’s eyes widened. Of all the things she was expecting for her last night in Ansan, this was not it.

“You do?”

Seulgi nodded.

“And...and I know you do too.” 

Joohyun swallowed, suddenly feeling cold. She shook her head and reflexively denied it.

“W-w-what? I...no I don’t,” she said, tripping over her words.

Seulgi’s eyes were soft and understanding. She gently placed her hand on her shoulder.

With a kind, patient smile, she said, “ _Unnie_. You know you can’t lie to me…”

Joohyun sighed. Of course something like this between the two wouldn’t be a secret. They really couldn’t keep things from each other.

And even though this was Joohyun’s deepest, most worrisome secret, she knew she could trust Seulgi.

“How did you know?”

“I know you, _unnie_. I’ve had ten years of becoming an expert. You look at girls the same way I do.”

“How’s that?”

“Like you want to kiss them but you’re terrified of them.”

Joohyun managed to laugh; it was fairly accurate. 

“So we’re both gay…”

“Yeah. Are you okay with that?” Seulgi nervously asked.

Joohyun sighed. It really did feel like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. 

“I’m relieved. Can I hug you?”

“Of course you can, _unnie._ ” 

She fell into Seulgi’s familiar and comforting arms. Even if she wasn’t ready to tell anyone else, she was glad Seulgi knew. And she was glad that she wasn’t alone - that Seulgi was also going through what she was. 

She was glad Seulgi told her - if it were up to Joohyun, she would’ve kept her secret to herself. If she told Seulgi first, she might’ve confessed even more to her...and that wouldn’t have been good. 

Seulgi had always been bold. Much more than Joohyun. 

It was one of the many reasons why Joohyun’s feelings for the girl had grown so deeply. 

“Okay. Now that we have that sorted...I kind of have something else I want to tell you.”

“What? I feel like we just shared the biggest secret we could share with each other…”

Seulgi laughed too, but it was stilted. 

“Okay. Here it goes…” Seulgi sighed, deeply, then breathed out, “ _Unnie_. I love you.”

“I love you too, _pabo_.” Joohyun answered. 

“No, _unnie_. I _love_ love you. I am in love with you.”

“What?”

Joohyun was in shock. This was what she had wanted - what she thought she wanted - but why did it feel terrifying? Why did it feel like she was running into something she wasn’t ready for? 

“Do you have any idea how amazing it is to actually say it out loud?” Seulgi said, happily, almost in awe. She had no idea that Joohyun was breaking down, internally. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for forever. I love you, Joohyun- _unnie_. I’m in love with you. I want you to know that I’m willing to wait for you. And I can travel to see you and I’ll be an amazing girlfriend for you…”

“Seulgi-ya, stop.”

Joohyun needed to stop her. She needed to stop this.

She couldn’t.

“What?” Seulgi’s beautiful eye-smile slipped off her face; she frowned and it made Joohyun feel sick. 

But Joohyun couldn’t...she had to stop this.

“I can’t.”

“What? Can’t...what?” 

“This can’t happen.”

“What? But I thought…”

“Seulgi…” 

Seulgi looked crestfallen. “No?”

“I love you, so much - but...but as a friend.” 

“And you’ve… you’ve never thought about us? The same way I think about us?”

What was Joohyun supposed to say? That _yes_ , she’s thought about them together? That she was the only thing in her life that she was one-hundred percent sure about? That the thought of them being _together_ was the only hope she had in her life, which was full of uncertainty?

But Seulgi was only seventeen years old and she was twenty, and they both had so much growing up to do. And Joohyun moving away was part of how she was going to grow up.

She needed to figure out who _she_ was. She couldn’t burden Seulgi with that. 

Seulgi was her bold, brave friend, who was so much more in touch with who she was, more than Joohyun could ever be. 

There was so much to love about Seulgi. And so little about Joohyun. 

“I’ve...thought about us, yes. But… I wouldn’t be good for you.”

“That’s not true…”

“Seulgi...I’m moving away. I’m going to be focusing on my future. And you should too. You’re seventeen. We’ve been best friends for so long… are you...are you sure it’s not just that? That you’re confused?”

“I’m not confused,” Seulgi said, furrowing her brows. 

“I’m sorry - I know you’re not. Just... we need time to...figure out who we are. And right now...I don’t know if I could be...good for you. I want to focus on me… and you should focus on yourself.”

Seulgi looked heartbroken; Joohyun had to look away, to stop her own tears from falling. 

“You’re right.” Her voice sounded embarrassed and resigned. 

“Seulgi…”

“No, you’re right,” she said, her words strained. “I was being stupid. It’s probably because I'll miss you. I didn’t mean it.”

Seulgi tried to dismiss it, but Joohyun could tell that she really hurt her. She can’t believe she upset her friend like this. 

See? Another reason why she didn’t deserve Seulgi. The woman who does would _never_ do this to her. 

“Seul…”

“Let’s go to bed.”

That night, Joohyun pretended not to hear Seulgi cry herself to sleep. Only when she was sure Seulgi had fallen asleep did Joohyun let her own tears fall.

The next morning, they didn’t mention a word of what had happened. Joohyun waved goodbye to her parents, sister, and Seulgi as they saw her off at the train station.

And her heart broke. 

-

## 10 days. 

Every month, Joohyun has a meeting with her handlers at SM Entertainment. These people consisted of her managers, development team, press relations officers, and whoever else was important in helping her maintain her image. 

She hated these meetings. 

Early in her training, Joohyun was given the stage name _Irene_. They said she was named after the Goddess of Peace. They said that it was inspired by her stunning visuals and calm, quiet demeanor. 

She was terrified and was deeply in the closet. Of course she was quiet when she started. 

But the stage name persisted, and it became second nature to recognize it as herself. When she was presented with the familiar folder that had ‘ _Irene’_ written on it in, she opened it and found the typical series of documents, which her main manager outlined. 

“Here’s the latest press package - I’ve printed off a few of the more interesting articles about you. Your Brand Reputation ranking has been updated - you were number three this month. With the premiere of your film next week, we’re certain you’ll be number one next month. Gucci Korea wants to work with you. The contract is here for you to sign. It’s been approved by our lawyers. Gucci will be flying you to Florence by the end of the year for a photoshoot.” 

“Okay…” 

“Also, Park Bogum wants to take you out on a ‘date’ next week so he can stop the rumours regarding him and Song Joong Ki.”

“Gay rumours again?” Another manager asked. 

“Of course. He needs to learn how to be subtle,” one of the PR officers answered, giving Joohyun a proud look. “You should discuss this with him when you go on your date!”

It made her stomach churn. 

She drowned out the rest of the meeting, nodding along when she thought it was appropriate to do so. She didn’t really care about the various scripts that had come her way. They’d make a decision for her if she didn’t have an opinion. And from the stack of scripts in front of her, they were all the same. 

A romantic comedy. An intimidating and cold (but sexy) CEO falls in love with her (hunky, male) assistant. She would play the CEO. 

An action film. A reformed (hunky, male) mob boss with a ‘heart of gold’ falls in love with a meek and shy (but sexy) woman that he saves. She would play the meek woman. 

A historical drama. A quiet and obedient (but sexy) servant is sent to serve a (hunky, male) prince in a faraway land and against all odds, they fall in love. 

Boring. Contrived. Laughable.

She was ready to just let her team decide when she picked up her next script. Soongyu read the information. 

“This one’s a little different. A character-driven drama. A woman comes out of the closet and it follows her family as they come to terms with her sexuality.” 

“You would play her successful, sexy sister, of course. Not the lesbian,” a member of the development team said. She didn’t know his name, nor did she care to learn it. 

Joohyun glared. “Why can't I play the main role?” 

“You don’t want to play the _lesbian_ do you?” he answered, almost laughingly. 

“I do,” she said, firmly. She lifted her chin in defiance as if daring him to talk back to her. 

The people around the table shared a stunned look. 

It wasn’t because she was gay; they knew she was a lesbian. It was a well-known “secret” at their agency and probably the entire industry. What shocked them was that this was the first time in years that she’d expressed an interest in a role. 

“Well...we’ll speak to the director about having you read for that role then,” her manager said. “It would definitely be a good opportunity to show your skills as a dramatic actor.”

A few more items were discussed - an upcoming variety show appearance, a magazine interview and discussion of a potential break (her first one in about a year) - before the meeting ended and she was finally dismissed.

She stayed behind in the room and started to go through the various documents. Articles about her beauty, her fashion, her activities. People knew so much of her but so little about who she really was, she thought, as she skimmed the articles.

When she got to the script she was interested in, she paused. She noticed a few things that piqued her interest.

First, it was written by a woman. So rare in the industry, which always annoyed Joohyun. Second, the main character’s description. The protagonist was quiet and reserved, but thoughtful. She kept a lot of her feelings to herself, dealt with her emotions alone. She was the object of attention from male suitors, but she would always decline. Why? She was secretly gay and in love with her best friend. She kept a facade up to appease other people, to her own detriment. 

Joohyun frowned.

It hit a little too close to home for her.

Yes, her career had been incredible. When she began training, all those years ago, she would never have imagined her trajectory - from nobody to household name. It seemed like her natural talent for pretend - namely, pretending to be straight - benefited her acting abilities. She was seen as one of Korea’s best actresses.

This success came at a cost, of course. 

She originally left home to try to find herself. After all these years, that was something that she understood now - she knew who she was.

She was Bae Joohyun. A daughter, a friend, a woman. A lesbian. A _closeted_ lesbian, but still proud of who she was. 

But the nature of her job forced her personal life to suffer. When she came out to her agency, they told her they ‘didn’t care’ - but they immediately set her on a fake-relationship blitz. She was seen as the ‘perfect’ beard to a few other closted male celebrities. 

As a celebrity, she was always surrounded by people or even being observed. She was never, truly, alone. But in a deeper sense, she was so lonely. She became an actor as a way to explore who she was but now she never felt more trapped.

The only times she didn’t ever feel trapped?

There were some moments. Like when she was alone, no social media or cameras in sight. When she was travelling where no one knew who she was and there were no expectations. 

And up until recently, when she was with Seulgi. But that feeling of freedom with her felt like it was slipping away, the closer her best friend’s wedding day approached.

Joohyun flipped the pages in the file to find the page on her potential vacation. It outlined some options for her - dependent on new movie roles and different events. On the page, a date - so near - was highlighted as a potential start to some time off. Ten days away; the day of Seulgi’s wedding.

It was tempting for her to just...run away and book a flight. 

Escape. Be free. 

It would be so easy to just _leave_.

She slammed the folder shut.

She wouldn’t. Of course she wouldn’t. Even though she felt suffocated by the mere thought of being there for her wedding, she wouldn’t do that to Seulgi.

Plus, she couldn’t leave if she wanted to take the first role she’d been interested in forever.

So she’d stay and feel trapped, as she usually did. 

Ugh.

She hated these meetings. 

-

## 27 years old. 

When Seulgi graduated from high school, she moved into the dorms at Korea National University of Arts. She lasted half of a semester before moving into Joohyun’s spare bedroom at her apartment in Gangnam. 

It was Joohyun who invited - no, more like _insisted_ \- that Seulgi move in after hearing the horror stories of university dorm living. Strange roommates. Shared washrooms. Disgusting common areas.

Joohyun was _not_ going to let her best friend live like that. 

Plus, they spent all their spare time together anyway. Seulgi would spend most of her time at Joohyun’s apartment anyway, studying for exams, while Joohyun memorized scripts. 

After the failed confession that no one ever spoke about (but Joohyun thought about almost daily), their friendship was strained for a while. It took Seulgi moving to Seoul, away from her family, and only having Joohyun to lean on, for it to be repaired. But even so, sometimes it could be awkward. 

Like how Seulgi had _numerous_ girlfriends. It was pretty consistent. A new girlfriend, every six months or so. Then they’d break up, Joohyun would play the role of understanding best friend (ready with a couple pints of ice cream), and then Seulgi would be single for a few months. That’s when Joohyun would get her hopes up that _maybe_ if she could just work up the nerve, she could do something about her feelings. 

But then Seulgi would crush her once again by introducing her to some new girl.

But lately, things had been different. And Joohyun finally decided that she was going to tell her.

It had been almost ten months since Seulgi broke up with her last girlfriend. And while she’d been busy a lot lately - she was opening a new dance studio and had picked up a few prestigious choreography jobs (which Joohyun was so proud of her for!) - she had been so happy lately. 

Whenever she was home, it was like Joohyun’s best friend was exuding joy in everything she did. She’d initiate skinship with Joohyun, which she historically cringed at. She would surprise Joohyun with her favourite food, which she’d order from the actress’ favourite restaurants. And without Joohyun even having to ask, Seulgi would find her way into her room at night and fall asleep next to her.

And sometimes Joohyun would catch her staring - to be honest, it would be because she felt the need to stare at her best friend, too. But instead of looking away, Seulgi would just smile brightly and make Joohyun’s heart soar.

It made her think that maybe, just maybe, they were finally on the same page. 

Then one day, Seulgi surprised her with an invitation to go out. Seulgi said she had a surprise for her that she was really excited about. 

It made Joohyun’s hopes go up, just a little. 

When she asked where they were going to go, Seulgi mentioned the name of a trendy restaurant - one that was high class, very exclusive. That told Joohyun that whatever was going to happen tonight would really be a big deal.

She thought that tonight would be the night that Seulgi was going to confess to her (again). And if it wasn’t, then Joohyun was going to. It was time.

It had been seven years since Seulgi confessed to her the night before Joohyun left for Seoul. That was long enough for her to wait. She was ready.

She would put it all on the line for her best friend - her career, her popularity - just to be able to call Seulgi _hers_. 

So Joohyun excitedly got ready for that night. She put on a dress - a beautiful MiuMiu dress that she had been saving for a special occasion. She took extra care with her make-up and her hair, wanting to make this a night that Seulgi would always remember. 

When Seulgi knocked on her bedroom door, in a fake show of “picking you up for their evening out,” (Seulgi’s exact words) the butterflies in Joohyun’s stomach started to flutter. 

When she opened the door, she couldn’t keep her jaw from dropping. 

Seulgi looked _gorgeous_. Joohyun had never really seen her best friend in much beyond casual sweatpants and oversized t-shirts; seeing her look like _this_ was quite a shock.

Seulgi’s hair, usually tied up in a bun on her head, was down in long, flowing waves. They cascaded over her shoulders, which were on display courtesy of the _stunning_ dress she was wearing. It was a black off-the-shoulder piece, and it accentuated Seulgi’s curves and muscles _perfectly_.

“You look really pretty, _unnie_ ,” Seulgi said with a blush. It made Joohyun blush too, like a schoolgirl (which Seulgi always had a way of making her feel like). The whole time she had been ogling her best friend, it seemed as though she was doing the same to her. 

When they got to the restaurant, it was clear that Seulgi was shy and nervous. The reservation she had made was not yet ready, so they sat at the bar while they waited for their table. Joohyun grinned as Seulgi shot back her drink quickly.

It endeared her even more that her best friend was so nervous tonight. 

Joohyun did what she could to comfort her. She placed her hand on her knee in a way to put her at ease, but it seemed to make the girl even more tense.

Finally, they were brought to their table and that was when Joohyun noticed that there were three place settings.

“Is someone joining us?” she joked, thinking that it was just a mistake on the restaurant’s part. Seulgi only laughed shyly, then said she needed to head to the washroom.

While it was strange for Seulgi to behave so abruptly, Joohyun took the opportunity to steel her nerves. 

Tonight was going to be the first night of the rest of their lives together, after all. It would possibly be the most important night of her life so far. 

Finally, after what felt like a really long time to spend in the washroom, Joohyun spotted Seulgi on her way back. She had a coy grin on her face, which Joohyun couldn’t help but return. That was, until she saw that she was being followed closely behind. 

By a beautiful woman. Who was holding Seulgi’s hand. 

“Uh, _unnie_. I’d like you to meet someone. This is Jisoo...she’s my girlfriend.”

“Hello, Irene- _sunbaenim_! I’m a big fan,” the woman said. 

The two women sat down at the table as Joohyun tried her best to school her face into not looking like she was falling apart. With every word they spoke, Joohyun felt like crumbling. 

Jisoo was a member of a girl group that was about to debut. Seulgi had worked on some choreography with them and they hit it off. They had been seeing each other for a few months, but Seulgi had felt so strongly about her, she wanted to wait to make sure Jisoo felt the same before introducing her to Joohyun. 

They were cute and bashful.

It made Joohyun feel like crying.

But she was an actress. An incredibly talented actress. And not even Seulgi, who knew her better than anyone, could see past her facade when she put on her award-winning mask.

Beyond her smile though, underneath her gushing and her encouraging words, she had never felt more disappointed and hopeless in her life. 

That night, Joohyun resolved to let this be the last time she felt this way. That the moment their relationship ended, which it inevitably would, she would finally tell her. She was tired of living like this - it was wearing her down. 

Loving someone who didn’t love her was painful. And if there was a change - a glimmer of opportunity - then she was going to take it. 

Two years later and a wedding just days away, it seemed that Joohyun was already too late. 

-

## 7 days. 

Drinking helped.

Joohyun had lost count of how many drinks she’d had. In situations like these, Wendy or Yerim would usually hold her back, but it seemed they had also let loose. 

It was Seulgi’s bachelorette party, after all. 

Since Sooyoung planned the night, she shouldn’t have been surprised that it had been a whirlwind of exciting (and drunken) shenanigans taking them all around Seoul’s most exclusive clubs and parties. First they started the evening at a noraebang, which was one of Seulgi’s most favourite pastimes. After singing themselves hoarse to songs by BoA and Seulgi taking the lead performing a few songs by EXO, they found themselves, somehow, at a burlesque club.

Of course they did. Joohyun didn’t even know Seoul had a burlesque club, but Sooyoung planned it after all. 

They had a private area and what seemed like VIP service, as there always seemed to be a constant stream of full drinks in her hand. While the entertainers - seemingly of all genders, nationalities and body types - performed on stage, the girls sat around, drinking and enjoying the show. 

The entire night was full of energy and fun. Seulgi was in full celebration mode, making sure everyone’s drinks were full the whole time. She was also being extra clingy.

The entire time, Seulgi seemed to be paying more attention to Joohyun, keeping her best friend chose in an affectionate hug or handhold. Joohyun didn’t care, of course; she loved it when Seulgi initiated skinship with her, as she rarely ever did. In fact, the extra alcohol in her system (courtesy of the neverending replenishment of their drinks) made it easier for her to accept the ‘friendly’ hugs and cheek kisses. It allowed her to stare deeply into Seulgi’s eyes with no restriction. 

They were all drunk, after all. No one noticed, not when they had a beautiful burlesque dancer performing for them on stage. 

After the show ended, a makeshift dance floor opened, which is where all of Seulgi’s friends found themselves. All but Joohyun, who stayed in their booth, away from the public and the spectators. 

Her usual thoughts - anxieties, really - were free from her head. Tonight, because of her good friend, alcohol, she was just focused on drinking her glass of champagne and swaying to the music. It was nice to not have anything on her mind for once.

But then she was _rudely_ interrupted. A person sat next to her and jolted her from her happy, mindless swaying. 

She flinched and was about to scold the intruder when-

“Oh! Seulgi-ya!” she greeted cheerfully. She couldn’t be mad at her.

“Why aren’t you dancing with us?” Seulgi asked, happily beyond tipsy. Her breath smelled like alcohol, but Joohyun didn’t care. 

Like Seulgi had all night, she immediately wrapped her arms around Joohyun’s waist and rested her chin cutely on her shoulder. 

“I just wanted to sit; we’ve been dancing all night, I just needed a break.”

“Oh, _unnie_ , my apologies - I know it’s past your usual bedtime at the retirement home.”

“ _Aish!_ ” she jokingly pushed Seulgi, who just laughed in response. 

“It’s all fun to tease me but you’re the one marrying a younger woman.”

“She’s a _year_ younger than me.”

“Whatever you say, cougar.” Joohyun stuck her tongue out for good measure. Soju made her really clever and mature. It also made it easier for her to ask questions, like this one: “How has that been? I haven’t even asked how you’ve been doing with all the last minute wedding stuff.” 

That had been on purpose, of course. But as her friend, she knew it was weird that she’d been avoiding asking about it. 

Why not ask now, while her mood was light? 

Seulgi shrugged.

“Jisoo’s got it all under control,” Seulgi said, dismissively. 

“You’ve been _helping_ her, right?” Joohyun asked, almost scolding her friend. “She’s going to be your wife; you should help her with stuff like this.”

“I know, I know. But this is all her thing, I’m just along for the ride. She’s got a plan for everything.”

“You never did tell me how you guys decided to get married.”

Seulgi took a swig of her champagne flute, finished off the drink in one big gulp, and shrugged. 

“It was kind of stupid, actually,” she laughed self-consiously to herself then poured more of the drink into her glass. “We were having an argument at first. About silly things, I swear, but it kind of went a little...sideways. And then she argued that if I was serious about her, we’d move forward, so I… agreed. And now we’re here.” 

“Seul…”

“I know, it sounds like a stupid reason to get married, but I love her, Hyunnie. I do.”

“I know you do, Seulgi. I know.” Joohyun nodded, this time taking the glass from Seulgi’s hand and drinking from it. 

“Why does it look like you want to say something then?” Seulgi asked, not in an accusatory way. Just curious. 

And she was right, of course; Joohyun _did_ want to say something.

For one: getting married just to end an argument was _stupid_. And that marriage was too big of a deal to use that way. And that maybe, just maybe, they _shouldn’t_ get married. And this wasn’t coming from Joohyun, who was drunk and madly in love with her. This was coming from Joohyun, who was drunk but also a reasonable human being. 

But she wasn’t exactly going to tell her friend that.

“Why were you fighting?” she asked instead. Knowing Jisoo and Seulgi and their dynamic, if they fought, it was probably more of a big deal than Seulgi was letting on. They were both so easygoing; Joohyun couldn’t imagine them arguing at all.

Seulgi scratched the nape of her neck and took her drink back from Joohyun, downing the drink completely.

“You.”

“What?”

“We were fighting about you. And Rosé.”

Joohyun’s stomach dropped. 

“What about us?” she asked, almost dreading her answer. 

“It’s stupid, Joohyun, it really is,” Seulgi said, with another awkward laugh. “She was concerned that I...spend too much time with you. And I was annoyed that she said that, especially since she’s so close with Rosé… and one thing led to another, and we…”

“You decided to get married so that you two would stop being… jealous?” Her heart was racing at this point. Her mouth felt dry but she didn’t have any water, so she drank once more from Seulgi’s champagne flute. 

Seulgi rolled her eyes. “When you say it like that it sounds totally unromantic.”

“It kind of is, Seul…” Joohyun couldn’t even mask the worry and confusion in her voice. “But…whatever the reason to get married, I know you wouldn’t do something that you weren’t sure about.”

Joohyun spoke that last sentence with a grimace. 

Seulgi nodded but had a faraway look on her face. It told Joohyun that she had a lot on her mind but whatever it was, she was afraid of it. 

This time, Seulgi picked up the champagne bottle and forgoed the glass still in Joohyun’s hand. She took a big drink directly from it, and then sloppily wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. 

“Do you ever think about us?” Seulgi asked, suddenly. “What would’ve happened if... if you accepted my confession?”

The room felt smaller.

“When we were kids?” Joohyun replied, barely over a whisper. 

It forced Seulgi to lean in closer and match her voice, as she corrected her. “We weren’t just kids, though, _unnie_. I knew how I felt.”

“Seulgi...”

Joohyun didn’t want to answer her, obviously she didn’t. They were both drinking and tired, and Seulgi had a look on her face that even Joohyun didn’t recognize. 

But Seulgi was insistent. 

“Do you?” she asked again. “Do you think about us?”

“I guess…” She was minimizing, of course. These days, she and Seulgi were all she ever thought about. But she wasn’t going to tell her that.

“What do you think would’ve happened, if you said yes?”

“It wouldn’t have been good. We were young and...I couldn’t deal with my feelings for you…”

“You had feelings for me then?” Seulgi asked, this time her eyes widening. “But you said you didn’t think of me that way.”

Joohyun shrugged. 

“I lied.” She finished the last of the champagne in her glass then set it down.

“What if I confessed to you now?”

“What?!” 

“Hypothetically, _unnie_.” 

Seulgi was insistent on playing this weird and uncomfortable game, but Joohyun couldn’t look away from her stare. No matter how hard she tried to get away, she was always sucked in by Seulgi.

Of course she was. She was in love with her, after all.

“If you confessed to me now, I’d be confused. You have Jisoo, after all.”

Seulgi nodded.

“But what if… what if I didn’t? What if things were different and I wasn’t about to get married?” Seulgi asked, this time leaning in, _so close_ , her words were barely audible. Joohyun’s eyes flicked down to her lips and back up, in time to watch Seulgi do the same.

“Then I think… you and I would be great.” 

It was honest. It was the best she could do with Seulgi staring back at her.

“That’s it?” Seulgi asked, impatiently. 

This time Joohyun glared and shifted away from her in her seat, putting some distance between them. 

“What?!” Joohyun asked, angrily.

“Why do I feel like you’re keeping something from me?!” Seulgi’s voice had a bite in it that Joohyun had never been on the receiving end of. 

She was taken aback. 

“What do you want me to say?” Joohyun asked, almost pleadingly. “That I think about us _all the time_? I wonder what would’ve happened if I just _took a chance_? Before it was all too late?!”

Seulgi sat back, stunned.

“ _Unnie…”_

“What?! Isn’t this what you wanted to hear?!” Joohyun said in an outburst, which made Seulgi shrink back a bit. She swallowed some of the temper that had risen. Joohyun’s eyes, her damn eyes, started to betray her - she felt a little pool of tears gathering, which she tried to blink away. Instead, she focused on looking down at her hands instead of the face of her best friend. She softened her voice. “We would’ve been _great_ , Seulgi. We would’ve been so much _better_. It wouldn’t change much between us at all. No. I could just...hold your hand whenever I wanted to. I could kiss you. I could tell you how beautiful you were and it wouldn’t be a big deal. I could...make love to you.”

Now Joohyun’s temper was replaced by a wistful sadness, which caused her shoulders to slump. But once she started, she just couldn’t stop.

“We’d be happy, you know? Like, we’d _work_. And we’d eventually get married, I bet. But we wouldn’t get married here,” she continued, like Pandora’s box had been opened. “We’d go somewhere else, maybe somewhere where we’d be more accepted. Maybe Canada? You’ve always said you wanted to go somewhere like Banff. We could get married in the mountains. Vacation there. We could rent a cabin and relax, just me and you. Get away from everyone, from the big city, from where we’d be recognized. Just be together and happy.

“We’d definitely have kids at some point. Maybe two; I’ve always imagined us with two kids. Two girls. They’d both take after you, of course, because you’re just… _so good_. But I’d be there to help them with homework and cooking and things like that. We’d go to the Han and you’d teach them how to ride a bike while I’d wait with a picnic, ready for when you three would be hungry. And we’d surprise you with skits that we’d make up while you were at work...and then you’d surprise me with little dances when _I’d_ come home from work.”

Joohyun finally looked up at Seulgi’s shocked expression, and realized - in horror - that she’d been mindlessly sharing some of her deepest, most secret fantasies with the object of her dreams. She stood up, abruptly, knocking over a few of the glasses still on the table in front of her but she paid the spilled drinks no mind.

“I have to go.”

Joohyun tried to push past Seulgi, but the dancer was too quick - _how was she so fast?!_ \- and she was stopped by her best friend’s strong grasp on her arm.

“Joohyun, what are you…what are you saying?” 

She yanked her arm out of her grasp and then shook her head. 

“Nothing. I don’t know. I was just talking, it didn’t make any sense,” she said, still trying to move around her. But Seulgi was somehow firm in her place, keeping her from the door, from running away from this conversation. 

Joohyun cursed her stupid mouth. 

“You were ‘just talking’?! You just- you just shared your plans for a future with _me_.”

“So? It’s stupid, it’s nothing. It was a joke,” she pathetically, blatantly lied. “I have to go, anyway, I have to get up early for a meeting and-”

She managed - with a little force - to nudge past Seulgi.

“No! Wait,” Seulgi said, taking her arm again and turning her to face her. “ _Unnie…_ do you have feelings for me?”

“No,” Joohyun answered, quickly. Too quickly, because Seulgi’s eyes widened. 

“ _Unnie_.”

And Joohyun cracked. She was feeling a little lightheaded - from the drinks or from the confession, she couldn’t tell. 

“Yes.”

Seulgi took a step back, suddenly. 

“What?”

“I have to go.”

“Damn it, Joohyun. Just explain yourself!” Seulgi yelled.

In their nineteen years of friendship, baring one instance when they first met, she had never heard Seulgi, her sweet best friend Seulgi, yell before. Her eyes looked furious, like they were inflamed, and Joohyun felt like anything she’d say next would just upset her more, make her fire burn even more wildly, like her words were gasoline. 

“I tried not to,” she cried, almost in a pathetic whine. “I tried so hard not to, especially when you got together with Jisoo. But I’ve loved you for so long, Seulgi-ya…”

She felt tears well up in her eyes and she tried to blink them away, but they started to spill anyway.

“What? But...but I confessed and you told me no...” Seulgi said, now also crying. They were silent tears but they streaked down her cheek in a devastating way. 

“I was barely an adult! I just graduated from school, I was moving away and I was _terrified_. I loved you but I wasn’t… I wasn’t ready for you. I wasn’t in a place where I could love you properly.”

“And now?” Seulgi asked.

“Now I can’t. Now doesn't matter. You’re getting married.”

“Fuck. I’m getting married.” It was said almost in a whisper. In this loud club, tucked away in the private area by themselves, it was a miracle Joohyun could hear her.

But that’s just how close they were standing to each other.

“Yeah.”

Suddenly, Seulgi got angry. She took a step back, away from Joohyun, putting distance between them physically. The way she glared, the angry stare she gave her, told Joohyun that it was more than a physical barrier that was placed between the two. 

“I’m getting _married_ , Joohyun!” Seulgi yelled, obviously, as though it wasn’t something that had been torturing Joohyun since Seulgi announced that she was engaged. 

“I know.”

“Why did you tell me this?!” 

It was an accusation, like _how dare you_. Like Joohyun’s words ruined her life. 

“I’m sorry - you asked, and I just-”

“I’m getting married in a week! I can’t- what did you think would happen?” Seulgi asked, confused, angry, hurt. All the emotions Joohyun never wanted to see in Seulgi. “That’d I’d just leave her?”

“No.”

This was Joohyun’s worst fear coming to life.

“I love her! I do!” Seulgi cried, frantically almost. 

“I know, Seulgi, I know.” Joohyun whispered, in sad resignation. “You just asked...and I just…”

“I have to go,” Seulgi said, suddenly. “I have to- I have to get away from you.”

And like she was nothing, like she was a monster or a ghost, Seulgi quickly left.

Joohyun had never felt so awful and hopeless before. 

Joohyun left too, thankful to not run into Seulgi as she left the club without a word or glance at the girls who were still inside, all of them dancing away, completely clueless of her crumbling friendship with Seulgi. She texted them a quick excuse - she wasn’t feeling well, she was going to leave - then found a cab that took her home.

How could she do this?! Why did she say all of those things?! 

Things that she had only thought to herself, in the dead of night when she was by herself and things were peaceful and she could pretend. These were the sad, lonely thoughts that she had when she felt most fragile, most alone. 

They were never to be shared, never to be repeated. Especially to Seulgi.

Why couldn’t she stop herself?! As soon as the words came, they just spilled out of her without restraint.She kept going, like she got lost in the fantasy.

Fuck alcohol.

And fuck Seulgi for looking at her _that way_ and making her feel like she was being cracked open, forcing all her secrets to come out. 

Maybe this was a good thing, she thought bitterly. If this really did do irreparable damage to her friendship with Seulgi...then so be it. 

She breathed in deeply.

This could be it. This could be the freedom from her desperation. She could...move on.

(That was totally a drunken thought; she could never move on from Seulgi. 

She was the love of her life.)

The taxi stopped and she paid the fare. She hesitated when she reached their home; she wasn’t sure where Seulgi went and she did not want to face her after that argument. 

She braced herself for when she walked in, just in case. She opened the door and was met with-

Nothing.

Darkness. Silence. 

She was alone.

In a way she was relieved. Obviously, she didn’t want to have another blow up. But she also just needed to know if she was okay. 

She went to the washroom and stared at her reflection as she washed the day off her face; it looked the same as it usually did. 

She was still Joohyun. Maybe Seulgi would see that and not the person who accidentally confessed to her a week before her marriage. 

She changed into her pajamas and then walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She was completely sober now and could only face the reality of what had happened. On her way back to her bedroom, where she planned on hiding for a long time, she heard a key turning in the lock of the front door. Before she could quickly hide, the door swung open.

Seulgi entered and shut the door behind her. She clenched her jaw as soon as she saw Joohyun, her mouth set in a firm, solemn line.

She looked...serious. Thoughtful. 

But not angry. 

The two stared, not saying anything, like they were evaluating each other’s moods, each other’s feelings, and trying to get a sense if they _could_ speak their minds. At least that’s what Joohyun doing.

And for the first time since knowing Seulgi, she had no idea what her friend was thinking. 

So she went first. 

“Seulgi, I’m so sorry, forget what I said-” 

“No.” Seulgi interrupted. 

“What?”

“Just… _shhh_.”

Two big strides towards her, and then suddenly, Seulgi was kissing her. 

It was...earth-shattering. 

As an actress, she’d played many roles where her character would have to kiss someone - she’d had to act out many first kisses, passionate kisses, shy kisses, frustrated kisses. 

But this kiss? 

It blew out all of her preconceptions. Every kiss in her life was a footnote when it came to this. The feel of Seulgi’s mouth on hers, the way her tongue sought immediate entry, making Joohyun sigh into their kiss. Her hands held her close against her body, which was pressed up desperately against her own. 

And then it was over.

Before Joohyun could even say anything, Seulgi looked at her with so much terror in her eyes.

And she ran out of the apartment. 

-

## 10 years old.

Joohyun did _not_ like Ansan.

It was too small, too quiet, it didn’t have the _tteokbokki_ that she liked and the other kids were all jerks. When she was introduced at her elementary school on her first day, the kids laughed at her Daegu dialect. And weeks later, even though Joohyun made a conscious effort to speak without it (if she ever was _forced_ to speak at all), they would tease her anyway.

She kept to herself, too embarrassed to make friends, and this often left her vulnerable to bullying. Like this moment right now. She was alone, sitting on the ledge of the sandbox, eating her choco pie. Recess was her favourite part of the day.

She braced herself as she saw Hongki and Jihoon approach, two of the louder boys in her cohort. 

“Hey, can you be the _satoori_ lady?!”

“No.”

“Come on! That accent is hilarious. Everyone who does it sounds stupid.”

“No they don’t,” she tried to defend herself, but they just laughed at her. 

“See, you sound dumb. Say more things!”

She shook her head. 

The boys, much taller than she was, stood closer, towering over her in a threatening way.

“Come _on_. Why are you so boring. Aren’t you supposed to be like that loud, stupid Diner Lady?” 

“Yeah! Be the Diner Lady! Use the stupid _satoori_ voice!” 

Against her own will, she began to frown, her bottom lip quivering. 

“Leave her alone!” a voice yelled, suddenly behind her. Joohyun turned and found a younger girl - someone she recognized from a few grades below her - glaring at the boys. 

“Stop being so annoying, Seulgi, we’re just talking to the _satoori_ girl,” Jihoon said.

“It doesn’t sound like you were just talking,” the girl - Seulgi - argued. Despite her small frame, she looked tough and assertive, and Joohyun was drawn to her.

“She’s fine. Right?” Hongki said, this time looking at Joohyun to confirm. She grimaced but nodded, afraid of what would happen if she went against her tormentor.

Seulgi frowned at her reaction. 

“Are you sure?” she asked, softness coming into her voice. 

Joohyun pouted. Seulgi glared at the boys and sat next to Joohyun, throwing a protective arm over her shoulders.

“If you guys don’t leave right now, I’m going to tell _seonsaengnim_ that you’ve been bothering Joohyun again.”

Hongki glared. “You’re _really_ annoying, Seulgi.”

“And you’re boring. We’re leaving,” Jihoon said, the threat enough to make him and Hongki walk away.

Joohyun’s shoulders slumped in relief as they walked away. 

“Thanks for stopping them,” Joohyun said, her voice cracking. She made an effort to speak quietly, to mask her accent. Just in case Seulgi made fun of her too. 

“You don’t have to thank me. They were being jerks, someone had to stop them. I’m sorry they were being jerks. I really hate them.” Seulgi paused before holding out her hand, awkwardly, like a kid trying to do an adult thing (which, of course, she was). “I’m Seulgi. I think you’re in my brother’s class.”

“Oh? Who’s your brother?” Joohyun asked, shaking her hand back. 

“He’s the gross one. Minho.”

Joohyun thought about it… Minho… Oh. Kang Minho. He was one of the nicer kids in the class, usually busy playing sports and never participating in any of the school yard bullying. 

“What’s your name?” Seulgi asked.

Joohyun blushed, not realizing she hadn’t yet shared her name.

“Joohyun.”

“Well, Joohyun- _unnie,_ I’ll make sure that they don’t bother you anymore. Just stick with me! I’ll protect you forever.”

-

## 1 day.

Six days. 

The longest Joohyun had gone without hearing from Seulgi. 

And she tried. She called, she texted, hell, she even emailed. But all of her attempts were ignored. She supposed she had it coming.

She kissed an engaged woman. She felt so much...shame. And guilt. Of all the scenarios she’d imagined where she’d kissed Seulgi, that was something that she’d never entertained as a possibility.

She just...she just wanted to apologize. 

As right as it felt to have her lips on hers, it was wrong.

It shouldn’t have happened. 

She didn’t like who she’d become - she’d been so reduced to this pining mess of a woman that she lost sight of who she was, or who she wanted to be.

A woman of integrity. Someone who did the right thing. Someone who knew when to stop and draw the line.

So she decided that the wedding was it. It was going to be the last day where she would let herself have feelings for her best friend and she was finally going to move on.

She called her manager and told her that instead of taking on the role that she had been interested in - the one that hit _too_ close to home - she was going to take a bit of a break. She decided to go away for a few months. Travel alone and see where the wind would take her. Her first stop would be…

Canada. Specifically, Banff.

She was a romantic, after all.

Maybe it was a bad idea, to go to a place that she’d idealized so much, but she thought it would be a good place to start. Instead of associating it with her fantasies of a happy ending with Seulgi, she could associate it with her new beginning. 

In fact, she had already booked her tickets. She was going to leave Seoul a few hours after the wedding ceremony. She honestly expected Seulgi to not even want her to be there. 

She only let a handful of people know - her managers had to know, of course. Her family, too. And of course, her girls. 

When she told Yerim that she’d be gone for a few months, the girl seemed upset but resigned, like she expected it. It seemed as though she also needed to come to terms with the changing dynamic in their friend group. Joohyun only hoped that the time apart would be good for her as well.

Telling Sooyoung and Wendy was different. They both looked disappointed. Not hurt, like Yerim did, but just anxious. Agitated. And then, they explained, that Seulgi had been staying with them. That she had been upset all week, not even focused on her upcoming wedding. That she seemed so heartbroken over _whatever_ happened between her and Joohyun - and she didn’t tell them what - that they could barely recognize her. 

And they told her that she should go see her. Try to lift her spirits before her wedding. And tell her in person that she was going away.

That’s how Joohyun found herself at their front door. She was assured by the two women that they would not interrupt their conversation. She doesn’t know how she found the nerve to knock on the door, but when she did, hearing Seulgi’s voice from the other side made her heart pound.

A reminder that it wasn’t completely broken. Damaged, yes. Hurt, yes. But it still beat, strong and steadfast, just for Seulgi.

 _“Did you guys forget your keys again?! How do you even survive-”_ Seulgi’s familiar voice said from the other side of the door.

The door swung open and there she stood.

Joohyun’s eyes drank her up, as they always did.

Seulgi eyes widened. She was wearing her usual house clothes - a baggy shirt and even baggier shorts - but she looked, to Joohyun, like a model. She saw her that way however she dressed, of course, because she loved her so much.

She could also objectively see the tired in her eyes. The sleepless nights that caused them. The confusion, the sadness. She knew all of this, because she had been feeling it, too.

“What are you doing here, _unnie_?”

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah. Sooyoung and Wendy aren’t here though…”

“I know. They told me that you were here.”

“Of course they did,” Seulgi said, before sitting back on their couch. Joohyun could see the makeshift bed that she had set up on their couch, a reminder of their separation.

She sat across from Seulgi, on the loveseat next to it Seulgi’s ‘bed’. 

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you.”

“I know.”

“Oh.”

“I just...needed to clear my head.”

“I understand,” Joohyun said, already tearing up. “I just wanted to...apologize. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… _We_ shouldn’t have. And I’m sorry if I caused you or Jisoo any-”

“ _Unnie…_ ”

“No. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sure I just confused you. And you’re happy,” Joohyun said, with a sad smile. “I know you are. You’re happy with her. And your happiness? That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“That’s all I want for you, too.”

Joohyun hated that she said that; because all she needed to be happy was Seulgi, and it would never happen.

“I also wanted to tell you...I’m going away for a while.”

“What?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow - after the ceremony.”

“So soon? Why? Work?”

She shook her head. “I’m going to… I’m going on a trip for a few weeks - months.”

“Why?” 

She smiled, sadly. “Seulgi-ya. You know why. I can’t...I can’t be here anymore. Not for a while.”

“Joohyun, if you’re going because of me-”

“Seulgi, I’m going because I need to _breathe_ again. And I can’t. I can’t breathe with you...here. I can’t breathe around you, because it just _hurts_ too much. I feel trapped by all of this. So please, just...accept that I won’t be around you for a while.”

It was as honest as she’d ever been and even though Seulgi looked torn, Joohyun couldn’t help but feel a weight on her shoulders be lifted. 

“Okay.”

“I’ll still come to your ceremony.”

“You will?”

“You’re my best friend… of course I’ll come. It’ll be the most important day of your life. I want to be there for you.”

Seulgi smiled, sadly. 

“Okay. I should go…”

“Yeah. You probably need to pack…”

“Yeah. And you probably have a rehearsal dinner…”

“Shit. Right. I do.”

Joohyun stood, and Seulgi walked her to the door. 

She opened it, then turned. 

“Are we okay?” she couldn’t help but ask. 

Seulgi nodded. Joohyun could read her like the back of her hand - she knew Seulgi wanted to say more. But she didn’t press.

She was terrified of what Seulgi would say if she could say what was really in her heart. 

Especially since she knew what was in her own. 

-

## 11 years old.

Joohyun and Seulgi were at the playground near their apartment building, as they usually were on a hot summer day. Their mothers were chatting away on a park bench, keeping a casual eye out on both girls, but the kids paid them no mind as they played. 

Today, Joohyun was a princess who was captured by an evil dragon (Seulgi’s stuffed animal, Mr. Dragon). Seulgi was the knight in shining armour who was tasked with saving her. 

It was an arduous journey for Seulgi - the eight-year old-jumped from the platform, crossed the jungle gym, and went down the slide to the roundabout of doom where the evil dragon was keeping Joohyun. When she finally was able to rescue the princess, with a punch in the belly to the dragon beast (not _too_ hard, because Seulgi said she didn’t want Mr. Dragon to be too upset at her later), she was rewarded by a kiss from the princess.

On the cheek. 

For some reason it made both girls blush.

Soon they were called inside as the sun had risen to its highest peak in the day and the heat was beating down on both the girls and their mothers. After a bit of _minor_ complaining, Joohyun managed to convince her mother to let her go with Seulgi and her mom back to her place. 

After continuing their dragon fighting (this time it was Joohyun who was the knight and Seulgi was the princess in distress), Joohyun collapsed onto the bed in ‘exhaustion’.

Dragon fighting took a lot out of her. This is why she preferred being the princess.

Seulgi plopped down next to her and threw her arm around her friend.

“ _Unnie_ , you ever think of getting married?” 

“Gross, what? No?” 

Seulgi was so strange sometimes. 

“My _imo_ is getting married and she wants me to be a flower girl.”

Joohyun laughed at her friend’s scrunched up face. 

“What does that mean?”

“I have to wear a frilly dress and hold flowers or something and walk down an aisle next to my brother, who will be holding a wedding ring on a pillow. It’s some Western thing; she’s marrying a Canadian man.” 

“Weird. Why is it on a pillow?”

“No idea.”

Joohyun wondered about her own wedding - one day, probably. She hoped that she wouldn’t have to have a special pillow for a ring. So strange.

“When we’re both old - like, uh, 25 - let’s get married,” Seulgi said, suddenly. 

“Twenty-five isn’t old, Seulgi-ya,” Joohyun argued. “Thirty is old.”

“Right! Okay, when you turn thirty and I’m,” Seulgi counted quietly under her breath, subtracting three years from 30, “twenty-seven, let’s get married,” Seulgi amended. 

Joohyun thought about it. Marrying Seulgi would be nice. They could play all day. It’d be fun. She did wonder though… 

“Girls can’t get married, can they?”

“Sure they can! In some places in the world they can,” Seulgi said. “My _imo’s_ fiance’s sister is a lesbian or something and she’s married to a woman. They’re coming next week, too; my mom said I have to be nice to them and not ask them too many questions.”

“What would you even ask them?”

“I don’t know; she made a big deal out of it though. They’re from Banff. Maybe my mom thinks I’ll ask them too many questions about mountains? I like climbing stuff sometimes?”

It’s true; Seulgi was always climbing trees. It made sense. 

Joohyun thought about it. Marriage was weird. The idea of being around a _boy_ for the rest of her life made her feel like gagging. The idea of being around _Seulgi_ for the rest of her life?

She could definitely do that.

“Okay. Let’s get married.” 

She held out her hand for Seulgi to shake. Her best friend enthusiastically shook it. 

Then they went back to playing.

-

## Today. 

Joohyun had a hard time getting out of bed that morning.

She was restless throughout the night and she hardly slept. Her mind raced the entire time, as all of the messy _somedays_ and _maybes_ and _if onlys_ played on a loop in her head. She barely kept her tears at bay, still trying her best to keep a brave face despite being alone.

She wouldn’t live like this anymore, crying for a love that never happened. After tonight, she’ll stop.

When the sun rose and light seeped through her curtains, she looked at her clock.

Just a few more hours until the ceremony. 

Then she could leave. 

Joohyun made a conscious effort to unplug from everyone until she absolutely couldn’t avoid them. In a few hours she’d be on an airplane anyway; she might as well get used to being offline. Plus, the night before had been hard enough.

Phone calls and text messages from Wendy, Sooyoung and Yerim, all of them taking turns to check on her. It made her feel pathetic; like the loss was even greater than it was.

(And it already felt monumental.) 

Nothing from Seulgi though; not that she expected to hear from her.

Why would she call the night before her wedding? 

Time seemed to speed up, and soon enough she was walking up the steps to the wedding hall. The watch on her wrist represented the time left that she’d give herself to love her friend before she had to move on. Forty-five minutes until the wedding ceremony. 

Forty-five minutes left.

She came early for a few reasons - she wanted one last look at Seulgi before she got married. One last look at her best friend as a single woman before she had to move on. She also wanted to spend as much time with her girls as she could before she had to go. 

But when she entered the building, the scene wasn’t at all what she imagined. 

First of all, the few people who had shown up early looked stressed, nervous. She didn’t expect to see Seulgi and Jisoo’s different family members frantically on their phones.

“What’s going on?” Joohyun asked when she saw Rosé; she looked like she was on her way out to leave.

“We can’t find them; I have to go. I have to find Jisoo,” she said, in a rush, looking on the verge of tears. “No one knows where they are, and they’re not answering their calls. Jisoo’s mom said she left a note for her saying that she and Seulgi weren’t getting married.”

Joohyun’s heart stopped for a beat, then pounded, so hard that it almost hurt against her ribs. 

“What?!”

“They called it off,” she said, with a watery, tense smile. “I don’t know why. But I need to find her. I need to make sure she’s okay. I need to leave.” 

Joohyun’s mind started racing, every terrible scenario about Seulgi’s well-being flashing in her head. Like she was reading her thoughts, Rosé gave her shoulder a squeeze.

“Go to Seulgi. Find her. Make sure she’s okay. Take care of your girl.” 

And then she left.

-

Joohyun didn’t leave immediately.

Seulgi’s parents said that she’d left them a voicemail call, early in the morning before either of them were awake, telling them that she and Jisoo weren’t going to get married but there’s no need for them to get worried. She found the girls, who were waiting for Seulgi to possibly, hopefully, show up. Wendy and Sooyoung said that when they woke up, Seulgi had already been gone. There was no note, nothing. Yeri kept trying to call her, but it seemed like her phone was off.

All three girls gave Joohyun worried, pointed looks. 

Seulgi’s parents looked at their apartment, Wendy and Sooyoung checked back at their place, and Yerim went to Seulgi’s dance studio. Joohyun, however, knew where to go. 

Of course she did. 

Joohyun went straight to _their_ place. 

She probably broke a thousand road laws as she made her way to the familiar neighbourhood in Ansan and parked near the familiar building. 

She walked straight to the park, to the playground.

She could imagine them there. As kids, meeting for the first time near the sandbox. Then the two of them playing their princess games on the jungle gym. As teenagers, sitting on the park bench sharing their first kiss.

And now. 

There she was, as she expected. This time, Seulgi was sitting on the roundabout alone. Her back was to her, slumped over a bit, her posture speaking volumes. Seulgi was stressed; tired. Joohyun wanted wrap her arms around her; soothe all of her pain away. 

But instead of following her instincts to run to her best friend (if she could even call her that anymore), Joohyun took a deep breath to calm herself. She was just glad she was okay. She knew where she was; she could stop panicking. Despite promising the others that she’d let them know as soon as she found her, she decided to talk to her first.

What really happened? Did she really just not show up to her own wedding? Was...was Joohyun right to be hopeful?

She shook her head and pushed the thought away.

Every fibre of her being told her that whatever the answer was, Seulgi needed her - at the very least, as her friend. Any selfish motive she might have, Joohyun pushed away. Seulgi went through something monumental. Even though Joohyun didn’t know why, she just knew that she was needed. 

So Joohyun approached cautiously, afraid if she was too sudden, she’d scare Seulgi off. 

“Seulgi-ya?” she said quietly, as she neared the girl. 

Her best friend didn’t even move from her spot.

“I thought you’d left already,” Seulgi said. Her voice sounded tired.

“No,” Joohyun said, taking a seat next to Seulgi in the little roundabout section. “Instead, I’ve been part of a group of people, all running around Seoul trying to find you and Jisoo…”

She let out a small, humourless laugh. “I told my parents not to worry…”

“You know that’s _exactly_ the thing not to say to parents,” Joohyun said, nudging Seulgi with her shoulder. “What’s going on, Seul? What happened today?”

“We called it off.” Seulgi said simply. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I think so,” she said, finally looking up at Joohyun briefly before looking back down. Joohyun noticed tear tracks on her face and she wanted nothing more than to reach up to wipe them away. “I’m a little choked about all the money we’re going to lose today but…”

“What happened?”

Seulgi sighed. Her eyes were focused on the ground in front of her She shifted her weight on the ground from side to side, making the roundabout go from left to right. 

“I woke up this morning and I…” She swallowed and blinked back tears. Joohyun put a reassuring hand on Seulgi’s knee, encouraging her to continue. She gave her a small, comforting smile when Seulgi finally met her gaze. 

“If you can’t talk about what happened, it’s okay. I’m just glad you’re okay…”

“No. I should explain myself…” Seulgi sighed. “I just...I couldn’t marry her. I woke up and I realized that I’d been kidding myself. I loved her - I _love_ her. But not enough… Not enough to commit to spend my life with her. I went to her this morning to talk to her and caught her as she was running out of her house.” She swallowed thickly, almost in shock over what she had done. “Turns out she was leaving to go find me. She was having the exact same thoughts with herself.” 

“Seulgi…”

“Yeah. I think we’re both relieved more than anything.”

Joohyun always prided herself in being able to comfort Seulgi through everything. She had an instinct when it came to her that no one else had. But in this instance, she was truly stunned. 

“I-I…” she stuttered and took a deep breath, to compose herself. “I’m...glad you didn’t do something that you weren’t sure about.”

“That’s the funny thing… I’ve been 100% sure about one thing in my life: _you_. You’re my best friend. My constant. I couldn’t go through with this if I knew it would hurt you…”

“Seulgi, I never meant to break you and Jisoo up-”

“There’s a reason why I didn’t ask you to be my best man or my maid of honour,” Seulgi said, interrupting Joohyun. “And it’s not because my parents insisted I include my brother.”

“Why?”

“Because if I was about to give my vows to someone and you were standing next to me, I don’t think I would’ve been able to go through with it. If I saw you standing there with me on my wedding day, I would’ve backed down.” 

“What are you saying?”

“ _Unnie_? Don’t you realize? All my life… it’s only been you. I’ve only, truly, wanted you. I thought… I thought you didn’t love me… and when I realized…”

Seulgi took a deep breath, almost like a weight had been lifted off her. She finally looked at Joohyun and held her stare; Joohyun gasped at how deep her gaze was, like she’d finally been able to see her and her truth.

“Joohyun. It’s _always been you_.”

“Seulgi, I met you when I was ten years old. We’ve been best friends for nineteen years. But I think I’ve been in love with you for about eighteen and a half of those years…”

“ _Unnie..._ ”

“I did this all wrong, Seulgi. It’s all my fault; I’ve wasted so much time,” she said, finally taking Seulgi’s hands in her own. “I love you. I love you, Seulgi. And I’m sorry I took so long and I’m sorry I was afraid.”

Seulgi brought her hand up and kissed it. 

“Don’t apologise. I was afraid. I was afraid because I… I’ve loved for for eighteen years too. I’ve wanted to protect you since the first time I saw your little pout, when those mean boys were picking on you,” Seulgi said, tracing her fingers to Joohyun’s lips and making the woman smile. She blinked away her tears, not to hide them, but because she didn’t want them to stop her from seeing the complete adoration in Seulgi’s eyes. For her, only for her. “I’ve wanted to make you laugh since we were kids, pretending to slay dragons together. And I’ve wanted to hold you since we were teenagers and you were afraid of the thunder and lightning, even though you were older and wiser than me. I’ve just...wanted to be there for you, however you wanted me. And for so long, I thought you wanted me as… your friend. And I thought that would be enough for me…”

“But it wouldn’t be enough for me,” Joohyun said.

“I think I’ve finally figured that out,” Seulgi joked. 

Joohyun rolled her eyes and pushed her, but on the little roundabout section they were seated in, she didn’t go very far. 

“So…” Seulgi reached up to tuck a strand of Joohyun’s hair that had gone loose from her updo. “You look...beautiful.”

It was only at that moment did she realize she was still wearing the dress she had planned to wear to Seulgi’s wedding. Next to her best friend, who was wearing jeans and a hoodie, she looked a little out of place. 

But honestly? She’d never felt more at home, being with Seulgi. 

“You look beautiful too.” And she meant it. “You could be wearing a burlap sack and you’d still be beautiful, Seulgi-ya.”

“That’s not true, Joohyun-ah…”

“Yes it is! I’ve known you for almost twenty years. I know everything about you. I’m an expert in all things Kang Seulgi.”

“Oh, are you?” Seulgi asked, her eyes flicking down to Joohyun’s lips, briefly, before looking back up. 

Joohyun nodded confidently. “I am.”

“Well there _is_ one thing you don’t know about me…”

“I thought we were over secrets - what more could you share?” 

They were sitting so close together now; she could smell Seulgi’s perfume, her shampoo, everything that was distinctly _her._

“The only time I marry someone, it’s going to be you.”

Then suddenly, Seulgi’s hand was in Joohyun’s hair and pulling her mouth to hers. If not for Seulgi’s other hand, which was clutching at the small of her back, keeping her close, Joohyun would’ve fallen over.

But how could she when now her lips were against Seulgi’s? Every nerve ending in her body felt electrified and her heart was beating wildly. Joohyun had never felt more alive. 

Seulgi’s lips moved against hers in a torturous but _incredible_ pace, one that seemed to communicate every unspoken _I love you_ from their life together so far. Joohyun kept up with Seulgi’s movements, letting her friend take the lead as she followed the languid movements that were coaxing little trembles out of her. Seulgi’s lips were _impossibly_ soft; they fit against her own so perfectly. When she opened her mouth to gasp, Seulgi used the opportunity to taste and lick against her tongue, exploring and deepening their kiss. A moan was torn from her, completely involuntarily. 

Every kiss Joohyun had before this one was just a warm up. This was the only one that mattered; for the rest of her life, all she needed was Seulgi’s. 

After all these years of longing for one another, this was the first time they’d been able to express themselves properly without reservation.

Joohyun loved Seulgi. Seulgi loved Joohyun. 

There was no denying it anymore. 

To feel Seulgi’s lips against hers was like coming home for the first time. 

Finally, after what felt equally like seconds and years, the girls pulled apart. Their foreheads pressed together; they were both so deeply in love, they couldn’t bear to separate.

They’d spent nearly twenty years waiting for this moment after all. 

“Let’s go home?” Seulgi asked, making no move to get up. 

_Home_. Their home - not as roommates, but as… _more._

But first - Joohyun had a better idea. 

“Actually… how do you feel about taking a trip?”

-

## 30 years old.

Numbers. A life of success could be summarized by numbers.

Thirty years alive.

Two loving parents, one caring sister.

Three of the greatest friends a girl could ask for. 

And one best friend. The love of her life. The only one she’d ever want.

Nineteen years of friendship transformed in one, honest event. 

365 days since her life changed. 

And now, Joohyun’s successes seemed to only multiply once she and Seulgi got together.

Eight countries visited. 

One new apartment, with one bedroom and one shared bed.

One engagement ring, burning a hole in her pocket. 

She knew it wasn’t traditional - proposals and engagements were a strange concept to her. But Seulgi was a romantic and she loved romantic movies from America. Seulgi loved grand gestures. What was a more grand gesture than a surprise proposal in a beautiful country?

So Joohyun made some arrangements. She planned a trip together - somewhere they’d always wanted to visit together. She planned on proposing during the trip, when the moment ‘felt right.’ She half expected to do it as soon as they arrived at their hotel; she was impatient like that. But she could wait a little longer. After all, she had waited twenty years. 

Two flights later and a sign that read, _“Welcome to Slovenia”_ that greeted them as they walked into the airport's main terminal, Joohyun felt a buzz of excitement build within her.

“Let’s go straight to the hotel and then maybe drive to Lake Bled.”

“Or we could go straight up to the Vogel Ski Resort! They have the cable car, and I know it’s heights but I’ll protect you. The views up there will be _beautiful_.”

Joohyun groaned playfully. “I was honestly hoping you got your love of scary heights out of your system when we left Banff...” 

“What can I say? My love for you makes me feel like I’m soaring above the clouds anyway.”

“You’re so greasy.” 

“You love it.” 

“I do. I love you.”

“I love you too. Now let’s go get the rental car!” Seulgi gleefully held her luggage handle in one hand while the other took Joohyun’s hand. She clumsily tried to manoeuvre them towards the airport’s car rental booth, earning a laugh from Joohyun. 

After all these years, Seulgi made her feel as carefree as she did when they were children. She still gave her the same butterflies she felt for her when they were teenagers. And the love she had for her only continued to grow as the days went on. 

Twenty years ago, Joohyun met the love of her life.

One year ago, she finally did something about it.

And every second since then, Joohyun spent giving her all the love she deserved. Because if her life could truly be summarized with numbers then:

Two women who were madly in love. Two lives had come together. 

And soon, if all went to plan: one marriage that would last the rest of their lives. 

**Author's Note:**

> **If you see this fic posted anywhere but Archive of Our Own and AsianFanfics, it has been copied without my consent. Please do not repost and do not convert/plagiarize this work.**


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